Break Free: How You Spend Your Time Dictates Who You Are

The VICTUS Method Taught Me to Accept Myself

Growing up, I had so many creative interests: dance, art, music (singing and piano), and, my first love (writing).

I’d get lost doing these things for hours.

But it all came to a halt when I reached high school.

The pressure to do well in school and get into the college of my choice meant that more and more of my time was spent studying.

I remember missing everything I loved to do and feeling like a shadow of who I really was.

But, I kept batting away those feelings because all the outside voices were telling me to prioritize my studies above all else.

What’s more, I lacked friends who could understand because most of them were involved in team sports. The number of meets and tournaments had increased for them and they had everyone’s full support. After all, many students gain entry and scholarships to college that way.

How different it could be if creative pursuits were treated the same way! It just wasn’t the case.

So, I kept suppressing the urge to do what sparked joy in my life. And, predictably, the more I didn’t do what I longed to do, the more depressed I became.

Here’s the worst part, though:

It took me years to get back to my true, Creative Self.

Sure, I painted from time to time. I joined a weekly singing group. And, every once in a while, I played around on my digital piano.

But, I never allowed myself to dive wholeheartedly into the things that brought me true joy.

Worse, I felt like I had to hide it.

No, I knew I had to hide it. Because being a Creative wasn’t welcomed in my professional life.

The few times I tried to share my interests at work, it was frowned upon.

Like I wasn’t serious enough. I had better things to do, like surpass my billable hours requirement or take on more and more responsibilities.

I must not be working hard enough if I wasn’t more sleep deprived. If I wasn’t worked to the bone.

For a long time, I accepted this. And I shifted not only my writing style, but also my personality.

I went from a mostly introverted, sometimes shy person, to an extraverted-when-I-have-to-be Ambivert.

My dream of writing creative works as a Novelist switched to legal writing and oral advocacy as an Attorney.

For a long time, it worked.

But, success can sometimes be a trap.

Especially when money’s tied to it. The financial reward makes it far easier to overlook what’s happening — inside.

Problem is: the body keeps the score.

And I never felt at ease. I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Stress was always there, boiling just under the surface. Until it boiled over — often, in searing migraines.

So, I upped my self-care. More meditation. More journaling. More yoga and other exercise. More healthy eating.

Why, then, wasn’t it working?

Why did my life still feel wrong?

Over time, the crux of the problem revealed itself.

And, no, it wasn’t me.

The problem was the environment.

I was surrounded by people who were simply not like me.

Like one Partner in particular.

I wish I could say he was one of a kind, grumbling disdainfully in the corner, where everyone chose to ignore his mean-spirited vindictiveness.

But, no, he was the Pit-Bull Partner with the most tenure and litigation experience. The other Partners all looked to him to lead the way and, boy, did he set the tone.

Could I just ignore it? Just keep my head down? Yes, for a time, I could focus on what I genuinely enjoyed about legal work.

But then came the day I realized what I was up against: These were people who reacted with glee when they’d heard one of the junior attorneys was mired in debt.

I could hear Mr. Pit-Bull announcing it for the rest of them to hear. “Educational Debt” or, he said with a laugh, “Credit Card Debt’s even better!” Wherever the debt came from, it didn’t matter. Let it be so for all the junior Attorneys. “It’s better for us!” he guffawed. All that mattered was that these worker bees were so far up to their eyeballs in debt, they’d remain chained to their jobs, willing to bleed themselves dry, to ensure they’d just get paid.

What a harsh truth to overhear, to know that the people you’re supposed to look up to, the people you’re supposed to want to become, are actually strategizing about junior Attorneys like that.

I wished I hadn’t heard it. But it was unavoidable. (This Partner absolutely loves to hear himself talk, and makes sure his voice is booming so everyone around him can hear.) 

Even so, it was jarring to hear his scheming and laughing, followed by raucous cheers from the other Partners, who seemed to admire his Don’t-Give-a-Shit Attitude for saying it so brazenly, out-loud.

I felt The Ick.

It was the first time (but far from the last time), I’d been exposed to behavior like that.

I wasn’t naive. Most people aren’t. The majority of us know what being cogs in a machine can mean.

But, understanding it theoretically, from a distance, can feel quite different from being confronted with it, face-to-face.

And I got the lesson, loud and clear: When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for. 

That was that.

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I stopped being willing to compromise my health.

I stopped trading my time more than I had to.

I decided to make creativity a priority in my life.

I stopped suppressing who I was.

I found ways to inject creativity into my days.

It wasn’t easy.

I went from being someone who loved to sleep in, to someone who woke up without an alarm to do my Creative Writing at 5am every day. And while I can’t say I’m as far as I’d like to be when it comes to Marketing, I have written 3 books and the 4^th is on its way.

These aren’t just metrics.

I feel it. My happiness increased significantly, the more agency I gave to myself.

And, I didn’t stop there.

I let Creative Writing spill into my legal work. With briefs and pleadings, I conserved my energy; there’s not much you can do with the dryer parts. But summarizing facts? Those were golden opportunities to let my Creative Self shine. I told myself, “Facts are facts,” but I looked forward to the art and craft of telling my clients’ stories. I found a way to make my legal work fun to write and, as Partners and judges say, fun to read. It translates to wins.

Not just at work.

At life.

You don’t have to be at the mercy of what others want to decide for you.

You can find a way to curate a life that works, based on what YOU want to do.

It may require sacrifice. Sometimes the progress you make doesn’t take you that far. And it may take a long time to monetize.

But it’s worth it.

To let yourself be who you actually are.

For me, the process never seems to end but, little by little, I’m doing it: injecting more creativity into my hours, my days, my weeks.

Even when I don’t feel like it.

Even when it’s something new I’ve never learned, and I feel uneasy and afraid.

I’m doing it anyway.

• This January, I started writing on Medium.

• I started a Newsletter.

• And I’m planning to create videos, too.

And, with each small step I’m taking, I feel a little more hope.

And comfort, in the knowledge that I’m not alone. There are so many Creatives here, and that’s exciting! To see all these people who refuse to lose sight of their honest, authentic Self.

Not getting paid to write yet?

Who cares, doing it anyway!

Want to be a poet, but you’re a Banker?

Who cares, writing poems anyway!

Artist working two jobs?

Who cares, posting on Instagram anyway!

It makes me happy.

To know I didn’t stop looking.

I’ve found the right environment.

And I’m no longer making the same mistake:

I’ve stopped trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

It feels damn good.

To feel free.

To be me.

Are You Taking Time to BE True To Who You Are?

I hope so.

If not, don’t wait.

Calendar a specific time, to do what YOU want to do.

Because there’s nothing wrong with being who you are.

Being true to yourself is the most important thing you will ever do.

— The VICTUS Method