Making the Case for RADICAL VULNERABILITY:

To Publish Ch. 18 or Not?

Every Saturday, I post a new Chapter from the 1st Book in my 4-Book science fiction series, THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES, about the discovery of a new species that can siphon energy from others.

Chapters 1–17 are already serialized and available to read, if you follow the link above, and signup for my FREE Substack Newsletter.

That’s 17 weeks — actually, more than 17 weeks — that I have been preparing…no DREADING…the publishing of Chapter 18.

Posting this Chapter is HARD, folks.

The shy girl in me doesn’t want to.

Why?

After the long slow burn of Jai and Sean’s romance in Chapters 1 to 17, this is The SEX Scene.

Yes, folks, I wrote a sex scene.

It’s done tastefully, but — to all the Prudes out there — please BEWARE: It is detailed.

More so than I thought I could ever be…in writing…in public.

Can you hear that?

That’s the sound of me laughing nervously.

The sexual part of Chapter 18 is a departure from my normal writing.

In fact…

This is the 1st time in my entire life I have ever written anything so overtly sexual.

But, part of me knows how strong a woman can become, when she embraces her sexual power in life and, yes, in writing.

So what possessed me to do it?

First, I decided to give myself permission to give voice to the power of sex because there’s beauty in it. In the nakedness of it. In the unabashed willingness to allow others to see you and experience not only your body, but also your emotions, in a safe and loving way, that can be both gentle and fierce, when expressed and enjoyed without any embarrassment or timidity.

Second, it furthered the deep love I wanted to express between my two main characters.

And, third, I was inspired by the author, Anne Rice, who’s famous for her no-holds-barred, completely uninhibited and unapologetically sexual writing. Indeed, she’s published not only one, but multiple books in a series that’s focused on sex, under her pen name, A.N. Roquelaure.

Ms. Rice may be gone, having passed away on Saturday 12–11–2021, but in a strange twist of fate, and through no deliberate planning on my part, this Chapter 18 is being published on Saturday 12–7–2024, almost exactly 3 years after her death.

Is this evidence of some strange, magical synchronicity?

That I find myself thinking of Ms. Rice — her bravery as a writer, her strength as a woman, and her willingness to share her most private sexual thoughts for the entire world to see — on exactly the same day I am debating whether to press the Post button, to publish my sexual writing or not?

Seriously. I was NOT even aware that she’d passed almost 3 years ago, on a Saturday in December, when I started to write this Post.

I just realized it for the first time when I ran a quick search to find the date of her death.

It amazes me how writers can impact other writers, based on the bravery they’ve exhibited in their own lives and creative journey.

And it gives me a sense of awe, to be moved, not only by the words we write, but also by the deliberate actions we choose to take, to pursue our dreams, to live wholeheartedly.

Do I dare?

My Emotions Are All Over The Place

I feel like my heart’s going to burst out of my chest.

I dread the regret that might very well ensue after I hit Post and publish the Chapter.

And I’m laughing at myself, too, because the fact is, I’ve already FULLY PUBLISHED this entire Book!

It’s already copyrighted and on Sale on Amazon in eBook and Hard Copy format.

I mean, come on! The Library of Congress already has my book on its shelves!

So why the hesitation, anxiety, and, let’s be blunt, profuse sweating seeping through my shirt right now?

As I write this, my Inner Critic, which is sadly not one, but more like many wraiths, swooping into and out of my ears, telling my mind all manner of embarrassing and dreadful outcomes that will befall me…

They’re doing their damnedest to scare me to STOP!

The wraiths are yelling at me like flying Rob Zombies,

Don’t do it!

Omit the sex scene!

It can stay hidden, in your Draft folder, never to see the light of day!

Truth be told, they whisper,

Readers won’t even notice.

And a part of me nods my head in agreement.

It’s true: You wouldn’t even know it was missing if I weren’t telling you right now!

Problem is: I would know.

In other words, what would hiding signify to the Author in me?

I remind myself, at the start of 2024, I vowed to go on an Attorney-to-Creative Journey, to honor every aspect of my Creative Self.

My sexuality is a supreme part of my Self.

Indeed, sexuality is an important part of every human being, so a large part of me asks, “What’s the big deal? If it’s natural for humans to be sexual and, if it’s already fully published, for the entire World to read, then why even pause?”

As I write this right now, I realize, it’s because…

My relationship with the Reader has changed.

Before I started writing on Substack and Medium, I felt so alone.

As an Attorney who was told implicitly and explicitly by family, friends, and colleagues to NOT pursue Creative Work, lest I be seen as not a “serious” Attorney, I hardly told a soul that I was writing science fiction, writing about the science of self-improvement, creating artwork, singing or playing piano.

I lived like a hermit.

A miserable, lonely, depressed hermit, who felt like *no one* outside of my husband truly knew me.

Or, if they knew about these parts of my Self, they could not relate to them whatsoever.

I rarely disclosed my creative interests to anyone.

Mostly because it felt like a door being slammed in my face.

Take, for example, the time I told a friend. It had taken a lot of courage to tell her I loved to write but, as soon as I said it, she immediately screamed, “Oh! I hate writing!”

Can you blame me for shutting up real quick?

It’s no surprise that a main theme of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES is the importance of being seen by others, and trusting the *right people* to accept us wholeheartedly.

Over time, being seen for who I actually am became increasingly important in my life.

I wanted to believe in my namesake, inspired by the phrase,

Vita est pro Victus, which means: Life is worth living. 

Not as a shell of who I am.

Not as someone who’s forced to wear a mask.

But as me.

It took me years — years and years after writing and publishing my 1st Book — to finally start writing on Substack and Medium, in January 2024, when I vowed to go on my Attorney-to-Creative Journey.

Then it took me 7 months, to be brave enough to start publishing my 1st Book (OBSIDIAN: Birth to Venus) in my Newsletter’s section for serialized fiction.

And now that it’s December, I realize how much I have changed.

After making 1 post each week, it doesn’t feel like I’m writing out into this big black void anymore.

It’s not like I hit Publish and some vague idea of a Reader is reading it.

It’s closer to me now.

I’ve slowly started to find a small circle of Writers and Readers who mean a great deal to me.

And, though we have never met in person, I feel blessed to have “met” them here. Because, now I know, at least these few souls see the True, Authentic me.

In that spirit, I’ve decided to be BRAVE — with balance.

I can be BRAVE — to tell my shyness to shush — and make the highly uncharacteristic decision to publish Chapter 18, with the most sexual writing I have ever written, on the same timeline as Ms. Rice’s death:

On this Saturday of December 2024, 3 years after her passing, to enjoy a taste of the bravery she must have had, to have written so brazenly and freely about the sexuality that was clearly the keystone of what made her her, the great Anne Rice.

But, at the same time, I will honor who I am.

I will be honest with myself: at this time, I do not have plans to publish erotic literature.

And, lastly, the idea of shocking unsuspecting Readers on here, with a detailed sex scene does not sit well with me.

So — in the most balanced way possible — I will honor everything I’m feeling and publish Chapter 18 (the Young Adult, slightly toned-down version that’ll go LIVE tomorrow, at 6 a.m., Saturday morning).

And, any Readers who wish to read the steamiest, sexiest scene I will likely ever write (haha!) can read it in eBook format, by clicking this link.

Can you hear me now?

I’m telling my wraiths,

Be silent.

I’m hitting Publish, come what may.

I’m letting go of what no longer serves me: my long-held shyness.

I’m no longer willing to hide who I am.

I’m determined to bring synergy to every aspect of my Self,

to not only do what I love, but

to honor what I love by allowing myself to be seen doing it.

So, without any further ado, here’s to the Bravest Era of my Attorney-to-Creative Journey, one that I’m heralding as the Passionately-Unapologetic Attorney & Creative Me!

P.S. — This (Saturday) Post is close enough to next week that I’m counting it as my 1 weekly post. Forgive me, but my nerves need to calm after putting myself out there like this! I need a bit of Rest & Relaxation after this one. And I already know how I’ll be celebrating with my family: with All-You-Can-Eat sushi + a great big lychee martini!

SUBSCRIBE to my FREE Substack Newsletter (linked above) to read Chapter 18 when it goes💥Live💥 tomorrow, Saturday morning 12–7–2024 @ 6 a.m., when I am (hopefully and uncharacteristically) sleeping in…so I can’t back out of posting it. 😂