BREAK FREE of Other People’s Opinions

YOU control who YOU choose to be!

We’ve all been there before.

We all want to be accepted.

We know “what’s expected.”

What it feels like to be “in the group” and, unfortunately, what it feels like to be rejected.

Whether it’s our immediate or extended family, or a group of friends or colleagues, we want to feel welcomed, seen, and validated by those we respect, love, and/or cherish.

But, we all know how that can lead us down a slippery slope if we’re not careful.

When we change who we are to “fit the mold,” it can lead us to growth, or it can lead us down the wrong path. One in which we stop listening to our own Inner Voice, to what feels right and is appropriate for us, because we’ve turned into People Pleasers to stay in other people’s good graces, to earn or retain their respect.

When it happens a few times, it may not be something to fuss about, but when it happens repeatedly, it can cause us to lose what matters most — our own self-respect.

When we focus on other people’s opinions more than we listen to our own, we forget that we deserve to be respected for who we are, without the need to earn anything.

All of us have positive and negative attributes, but no one has the right to look down upon us, to mistreat us, or to decide the right personality for us to have, or the right path for us to take.

It is ultimately our life to live.

If we don’t remind ourselves of that fundamental truth, again and again, other people’s disapproval can not only sting, but linger for too long, if not permanently.

Worst of all, we can lose sight of what makes us us and we’ll fail to honor our truest, most authentic Self.

It happens all too often.

Consider the teenage girl whose mother wants her to continue competing in pageants, like she’s done since she was a toddler. Winning that state crown “is what you’ve worked all your life to achieve,” her mother says — except it’s not. It’s what Mom’s always wanted, she thinks — secretly, privately, always to herself. She’d much rather win a Gymnastics Championship, but her mom always said that’d make her body “too bulky….Who’d want that?” So the girl stays mum, too afraid to disappoint her mom, the former Beauty Queen.

Or, imagine the young man who’s in his second year of Dentistry, whose Father is depending on him to continue the family practice. Except the young man’s secret ambition is to travel the world and become a Chef. There’s time to study the culinary arts when I’m older, he tells himself, but he knows — deep down — that he’s really afraid to tell the truth because of his Dad’s lifelong rage.

Then there’s the girl who jumps on the new kid, teasing him more harshly than she was teased, because at least now the head Mean Girl’s setting her sights on him instead of her.

And, too often, there’s the businessperson who toes the line, puts in the overtime, and works him- or herself into the ground. S/he’s overworked and weary, just hoping and praying to get through the weekdays, to get to that retirement, so they ignore the call

— the constant urge — to start a business, try a new career path, be their own boss, or explore what’s truly right for themselves.

In so many instances, our Internal Voice is not the primary voice that we hear. We listen to other people’s opinions and favor their agendas far too often than most of us would like to admit.

We change who we are, our actions, our words, maybe our very temperament to fit what they would like us to be.

The introverted intellectual forces himself to be an extrovert, to “get the girls” or “be one of the guys.” The guy who loves poetry pretends to be into sports. The girl who hates dressing up, dolls herself to the nines to go along with the crowd.

And, for what?

In the right environment, with the right employer or with a true friend, we might survive unscathed and, perhaps, find ourselves improved in some way.

But, in the wrong environment, we can find ourselves cogs in a wheel, unappreciated, poorly compensated, and/or hurt in ways that are hard to fix.

How can we break free?

We must be careful to protect what matters most: our sense of Self.

We must learn to make our Internal Voice louder than all the rest.

We must be diplomatic among others, but we must think critically about who people ought to be to us.

• Do they truly have our best interests at heart?

• Do they have a conflict of interest?

• How well do they treat others?

• Do they use and abuse others? If so, it’s only a matter of time before they set their sights on you.

• Do they have actual experience to support their “advice”; or are they just trying to exercise control over you?

By slowing down, to think critically, we can stop caring so much about what they think. We can put our own opinion about them in proper perspective.

We can ask ourselves,

• Do we even respect them?

• Do they have the life and values that we aspire to have?

• Do they cause others pain and suffering?

• Do we truly want to be more like them?

• What’s the cost of doing so, and is it worth it?

I’ve learned this lesson many times.

Most definitely at work, where there are many types of Attorneys, but the type you most often see in the media, in TV, is the Pitbull Litigator.

I’ve come across many and, when I was just starting out, I noticed many of my colleagues aspired to be like one Partner in particular. Despite the fact that he was a braggart, with multiple complaints against him around the office, and he likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

For the first time in my life, what was modeled as “Success” simply did not appeal to me.

I wasn’t used to that.

I was used to meeting people I admired, and having a Goal — a Vision I could aspire to — was the norm.

I had never been presented with a situation like this: one where many openly praised and admired Mr. Pitbull’s unsavory behavior (like #1 and #2), because he had “made it” with a very lucrative position and high status in the firm.

No matter how I tried to envision it, I just couldn’t see myself wanting to become someone like that.

So I separated what I could, between his work persona and his personality. I tried to see what worked well for him professionally and take what lessons I could from that.

But, personally? That side of him was a hard pill to swallow.

I tried to look past his social behavior, at first. After all, I would need to work with him. So I often avoided non-work-related conversations, but still he’d come around and make subtle digs that certainly didn’t improve my opinion of him.

It happened in the smallest of ways. Very subtly. So he could deny his Mean Guy behavior. Like all Narcissistic people love to do.

Little petty digs. Little by little. Like a slowly and steady war of attrition, to try to get me to break my professional composure. So he could unleash the rage and vindictiveness he was known for.

If I lost my cool.

It didn’t work.

It was annoying.

But I found ways to get through it, to see him clearly for what he was.

For example, one day all the attorneys got together for lunch and, after the meal, we were invited to come have ice cream.

I stood in line with the rest but, as I did, he slid up alongside me and asked loudly in front of everyone, “Marisa, you’re an only child, aren’t you?”

I immediately knew what he was getting at. What did he want me to do, skip the line and push my way to the front, with some boisterous remark, to call attention to myself, like he was fond of doing on the regular?

I could tell he didn’t like that my temperament was more reserved and — dare I say polite — because I wasn’t like him.

But I pretended not to get what he was insinuating and just said, “No, I have a brother.”

“An older brother,” he added, as he narrowed his eyes at me and tried to lodge the insinuation deeper, like a dagger.

It was rather silly, when you think about it.

He seriously thought that an only child or younger sibling must be introverted, as if that were automatically true.

And he clearly thought that being an overbearing extrovert would be better, because they’d be like himself. To him, louder was better — no matter what.

After so many annoying instances of this, I had to stop myself from laughing at his ridiculousness.

I got my ice cream and walked away as he nodded happily to himself, as if he’d won some sort of contest.

As if being more reserved was less-than his beyond-extroverted, narcissistic self.

He simply failed to realize that my not putting him in his place was the smart thing to do, professionally.

I could have. But I chose not to.

I chose to exercise restraint.

Even though he gave me the ick, I didn’t show it. I didn’t squirm under his gaze.

I answered matter-of-factly, “Yes, I have an older brother,” and showed his prodding didn’t bother me.

It paid off.

As I looked up, I made eye contact with the other Senior Attorneys who’d witnessed all of this. We locked eyes and they gave me a knowing smile. Because they knew what a blubbering fool he was.

Without realizing it, Mr. Pitbull Partner had shown his true colors, yet again, in front of the entire office, and my colleagues were secretly laughing at him.

At his petty need to put people down.

Not just adversaries in court. But colleagues in the office.

Over the years, these colleagues have told me more stories, and I’ve learned this is his M.O.

His desire to win at all costs, cost him the respect of his colleagues and impacted his personal life with four failed marriages.

And, like a door creeping open, I began to have a subtle shift in perspective. I came to understand that those who appear to “be successful” are not always rich in the ways that matter. And no one deserves to be put on a pedestal, purely because they have Followers or Hangers-On.

The more critical thinking I applied to my interactions with him over the years, the more I saw the contrast between him and others. I quickly realized that it was often the quiet people in the room who were the most brilliant.

One Partner in particular knew how to be kind, motivating, and inspiring without ever raising his voice. Without arguing. And without ever losing his temper. In fact, his words held more sway the less he spoke.

And other Partners who appeared to be champions of a particular political cause were often not what they appeared to be.

I learned so much through observation. There was tremendous knowledge to be gained in the subtle, nearly imperceptible shifts in people’s demeanor, in what was said and left unsaid.

Most of all, I learned to think for myself. To not trust anyone blindly, no matter what they said. To place greater trust in people’s actions and to look for consistency in people’s values.

Thankfully, I learned the greatest lesson: to trust in, most of all, myself. In my own intuition and, as much as possible, in learning from my mistakes when I misplaced my trust or believed someone to be someone they were not.

Discernment is a skill.

It takes practice. But it’s worth it.

Trusting my intuition has helped save me and even my kids from real danger on more than one occasion, but those are crazy stories best left for another day.

For now, I just thank my lucky stars that I learned to stop people-pleasing and to start believing in my Self.

What about you? Are you a People Pleaser? How does it serve or hinder YOU?

The Strength of Self in me honors & respects the Strength of Self in you,

Marisa

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Marisa