Grow Your Garden of Ideas

Grow Your Garden of Ideas

The VICTUS Method: plant & grow the unique dreams inside of you.

Turn the plant one-quarter everyday so it will grow evenly and not lean toward the sun.

That’s what the printed instructions said, for my new pink & blue hyacinths.

It got me thinking about how similar we are to the bulbs that contain all of the magic that’s required to grow straight, into the beautiful flowers they’re meant to be.

But, much like the bulbs that have blossomed so gloriously on my desk, we need to tend to and care for ourselves, lest we grow crooked. We need to nurture ourselves in just the right way.

1. Environment matters

Are we planted in the right soil? With the proper amount of nutrients available to nurture our roots?

Or, are we planted in the wrong setting. An impenetrable concrete slab’s never going to establish any roots.

2. Nourishment matters

We need to nourish ourselves with the right nutrients.

We must water our minds with proper thoughts. Our thoughts should enliven us and invigorate us to generate the life-sustaining energy that we need.

And the thoughts that cast a shadow mustn’t darken the sky for too long.

Self-awareness, then, is required; we have to realize how and when we’re getting too much, to balance what we need.

3. Loving-Care matters

Do we rotate ourselves — on a daily basis — to do the activities that spark joy and ensure that we grow straight, the way we’re meant to be?

Or, have we denied ourselves that “luxury”?

Have we turned the wrong way, focusing too much on one thing to the exclusion of others, to the point that we’ve grown lopsided and imbalanced, a mere echo of what nature — our Inner Self — wants us to be?

We are more like plants than we realize.

Inside each of us are the seeds for so many ideas, seeds that, when planted and cared for properly, have the capacity to grow into the most beautiful flower or the most magnificent tree.

Do we make an effort to plant them, to let our dreams sprout?

Or, are we holding on too tightly to the seeds that are buried deep inside each of us?

We might look over at our neighbors and see the garden of their dreams. So many vibrant flowers and plants and trees that have taken root and are busy sprouting.

Meanwhile, we hold on tightly to our packet of seeds. All of the ideas we have hidden away somewhere deep in our mind.

What’s stopping us?

We’re too afraid to sow them. We tell ourselves, “Another day,” but that day never comes.

We just tend to maybe one or two of the plants we planted so many seasons ago and, as they’ve taken off and grown up toward the sky, we whisper longingly at the seeds, “It’s ok.” To placate them, as if it really were okay, to ignore the magnificent beauty that stays dormant inside each of us.

Imagine what a beautiful garden we could have, if the world were filled with people unafraid, to plant the seeds in their hearts, to grow into who they were truly meant to be.

If you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

FLIP THE SCRIPT: How Better Words Transformed My Mornings & Workout Routine

FLIP THE SCRIPT:

How Better Words Transformed My Mornings & Workout Routine

Today, I’d like to introduce a new type of story to my repertoire: Flip the Script.

“Flipping the Script” is when I take a belief that’s usually limiting and flip it around so it’s constructive.

For example, in yesterday’s post, I described how I wanted to prioritize my creative pursuits, but when I took the time to examine my Calendar, I immediately thought “I’m too busy,” and “I just don’t have time.”

I couldn’t “Flip the Script” to suddenly say “I’m not busy,” because that wouldn’t be true.

So instead of “I don’t have the time,” I flipped it:

I created the time by promising to go to bed earlier, so I could wake up at 5am to do my Creative Writing.

Even though I initially hated it, it’s turned into my cherished morning routine.

I mean that. Sincerely.

I changed from someone who loved to sleep in and lazy around for an hour on the weekend, to someone who’s happy to bounce up out of bed.

Seriously. I don’t even have to set an alarm!

I don’t say that to brag. I say it because I never, EVER, thought I’d get to call myself a “Morning Person.”

So what’s my secret?

I’m sure on some level, the coffee machine’s played a significant role, but, more than that…

I attribute just 1 “Flip the Script” to my success:

I don’t have time.➡️FLIPPED TO➡️This time is just for me.

The first time I tried it, I could barely sit up in bed. I’d gotten to bed far later than I’d planned and it felt (and I probably looked) like Hell just to raise my head up off the pillow.

But, I refused to slip back into my dreams, because I had another dream: to prioritize my Creative Writing. I’d promised myself do it, even a little.

Every. Single. Day.

So with a rub of the eyes and a groggy tilt of the head, the thought suddenly popped into my head, “This time is just for me,” and I forced myself to get up.

No need to make the bed. There was little time as it was to get this done before I’d have to get ready for work.

The next morning, I repeated it. “This time is just for me.

Then at night, I told myself, “Tomorrow, 5am. That time is just for me.

By the end of the week, I had a new daily ritual: the night time reminder, repeated as my little morning wakeup call.

That’s all it took.

How could 6 words hold so much power?

I was mystified by it myself.

Later, I came to realize it’s because of the wording. It’s like some hidden part of me just knew what I need to hear: that I was doing it just for me.

And somehow that transformed what could’ve been construed as LESS — less time to sleep, more time I could’ve felt like I was spread too thin — and transformed it into MORE:

More time to be creative.

More time to write something that wasn’t for my job.

More time to see myself as an individual, not just someone who gave everything to my family all of the time.

Yes, giving myself time to do something just for me, is what gave it so much power. It boosted my sense of agency.

And, as the days passed, it felt like a gift I was giving myself.

Time for me to think and reflect and write and explore my creativity.

And the more I did, the more momentum I gained, until I didn’t need to say my mantra anymore.

My ideas took shape and my characters came to life. Each with their own strengths and weaknesses and idiosyncrasies, and they began to visit me at all hours of the day. What adventure would they go on next? What obstacles would they have to overcome?

My brain always seemed to be listening and one book became two, then three, and now four.

But, I haven’t forgotten the magic.

The words — “This time is just for me” — continue to work like a charm.

Now I use them at the gym, every time I go. Every time I don’t feel like it, the words whisper to me and, before I know it, I’m on my way, opening the gym door.

What about you?

Do you ever say, “This time is just for me”?

 

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Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER: How To Build a Secure Attachment To YOURSELF with The VICTUS Method

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER:

How To Build a Secure Attachment To YOURSELF with The. VICTUS Method

In yesterday’s postI described how I accidentally overheard Mr. Pit Bull Partner laughing with the other Partners at a junior Associates’ expense, and it lifted the veil.

It forced me to learn an important lesson:

When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for. 

I couldn’t ignore it.

Sometimes, when the truth smacks you in the face, there’s no going back.

Before the sound of the Partners’ laughing had even died down, I’d already decided:

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I decided then and there that I would make all my creative pursuits the priority in my life, from that moment forward.

I stopped suppressing who I was and, from that day since, I’ve been doing all the things I used to deny myself:

• Creative Writing — I’ve written 3 books and the 4th is on its way.

• Music — singing & piano.

• Artwork — traditional & digital.

• Dance — whenever the mood strikes, which is often.

How this ONE Decision — To Prioritize My Creativity — Drastically Changed My Life & Made Me a Million Times Happier

Why did my happiness increase?

You might think it’s simply because I love to write creatively (Creative Writing), I love to sing and play piano (Music), I love to do traditional & digital painting (Artwork), and I love to shake my booty (Dance).

They’re all activities that make me happy.

I did more things that make me happy.

Therefore, I am happier.

If that’s what you thought, you’re right, BUT…

You’re Missing The Big Picture.

Remember this post, where I described the 4 Attachment Styles and explained that if you’ve got a Non-Secure Attachment Style from your childhood, you CAN still change your Attachment Style in these two ways?

1. By improving our ability to regulate our own emotions by ourselves (self-regulation), and

2. By improving our ability to regulate our emotions in concert with others (co-regulation).

Well, what I happened to overhear Mr. Pit Bull say is a perfect example of these two paths a person can take.

First, let’s break it down.

The problem = Working for Assholes feels shitty.

Second, let’s examine how I could’ve approached the solution:

On the one-hand, I could have looked outward, to other people to help me “fix” the problem.

But, was that even possible, given the circumstances?

• Context

= Where was I, when the truth slapped me in the face?

@ my law firm job.

• Control

= Could I change the Partner who’d made the mean-spirited remark? No. Mr. Pitbull’s on his 4th wife. If these women can’t change him, no one can.

• Power/Influence

= Could I change all the Partners’ minds, and get them to see the error of their ways?

No. As I said in my linked story, Mr. Pit Bull Partner was the most tenured and experienced among them, and all of the Partners looked to him as their Messiah, I mean, Leader. So, he obviously set the tone for the entire firm, and he’d continue to do so.

Analyzed this way, we can see I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I couldn’t just rage-quit, shake my fist in the air, and make some inspirational speech about how “I’m standing up for all of the junior Attorneys! Don’t laugh at our expense! Don’t revel in our debt! We work for you, but we’re not inconsequential cogs in your stupid wheel!”

Doing that wouldn’t serve my needs (a job and paycheck).

It’d likely result in some sort of terrible retaliation from Mr. Pit Bull. (I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s got a playbook for blacklisting anyone who wrongs him because, trust me, I’ve seen him do very petty things simply because someone offends his precious ego).

And, let’s face it, there’s a terrible imbalance of power involved here.

So what’s the point, Marisa?

Sometimes, trying to co-regulate with other people is NOT what you should do.

No matter how much you WANT to make a situation better, sometimes you simply CANNOT turn to other people to do it.

And, yet…

How often do we try to convince or cajole or influence or — worse — beg other people to make the situation better?

You see it all the time:

• It’s the guy who’s clearly “Not That Into You,” but your best friend keeps chasing after him.

• It’s the girl who’s being ostracized by the top Mean Girl in college, so she tries even harder to wear what they’re all wearing to “fit in.”

• It’s the guy who’s trying to be “one of the boys” so he pretends he’s into sports and not poetry, even though poetry’s what he’s secretly writing.

• And, yes, it’s the little girl or little boy inside all of us, who:

• tries even harder to placate their parent(s), just so that they can feel “loved”;

  or, picks a partner who just-so-happens to be like their parent(s), so that they can “fix” the parental relationship, this time around, as adults with their chosen boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse.

NO!

Sometimes, the solution is to NOT do that.

Sometimes, the solution is to just STOP TRYING to win other people over.

Because, you know what?

They don’t deserve you anyway!

They don’t see your value!

They don’t truly love you or even care about you!

In my situation with the Partner, the bottom line was, I couldn’t fix the bad feelings — the Ick — I felt compelled to escape by turning to any other person in that firm.

And, yet, I found THE PATH to 10x my happiness — not weeks or months or even days later.

I 10x’d my happiness IMMEDIATELY.

How?

The VICTUS Method Focuses on WINNING YOURSELF OVER: “THINK-DO-BE” is the practice I used to Self-Regulate My Emotions

(1) THINK

By making the singular decision to CHANGE MY MIND, I CHANGED MY EMOTIONS.

I simply thought, “No, they’re not going to force me to give them all of my time and energy anymore.”

And, by doing that, I immediately TOOK CONTROL.

I increased the sense of AGENCY I felt over my own life.

That immediately erased the negative feelings of anxiety, powerlessness, and hopelessness I had felt.

And replaced it with positive feelings of power, control, security, hope, and TRUST that I could be there for myself.

This is key to regulating your own emotions BY YOURSELF.

But, that’s just part of the self-regulation process.

(2) DO

You must also take it 1 step further: by TAKING ACTION.

I took the time to examine my Calendar and, even though I immediately thought “I’m too busy,” and “I just don’t have time,” I ignored those thoughts and CREATED the time anyway:

I told myself I’d wake up at 5am to do my Creative Writing.

I refused to give myself any excuses.

(3) BE

Then, I took the final step: by taking MORE ACTION.

I started doing it. Waking up at 5am even though I initially dreaded it.

Hated it.

Did it anyway.

And every single time I did it, it counted as a rep.

Not just a rep for writing.

Not just a rep for my now-beloved-Morning-Routine.

But a rep for the 1 MESSAGE that matters the absolute MOST:

     “YOU MATTER.”

— The VICTUS Method

Every single time you do any task that you want, that you choose, because YOU gave yourself permission to do it, you entrain your brain to see your own self-worth.

You prioritize yourself. You show yourself, “YOU MATTER.”

And that’s no trivial thing.

It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

The more you repeat this THINK-DO-BE practice;

the more easily you can self-regulate your emotions;

the faster you can achieve a Secure Attachment to YOURSELF!

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Break Free: How You Spend Your Time Dictates Who You Are

Break Free: How You Spend Your Time Dictates Who You Are

The VICTUS Method Taught Me to Accept Myself

Growing up, I had so many creative interests: dance, art, music (singing and piano), and, my first love (writing).

I’d get lost doing these things for hours.

But it all came to a halt when I reached high school.

The pressure to do well in school and get into the college of my choice meant that more and more of my time was spent studying.

I remember missing everything I loved to do and feeling like a shadow of who I really was.

But, I kept batting away those feelings because all the outside voices were telling me to prioritize my studies above all else.

What’s more, I lacked friends who could understand because most of them were involved in team sports. The number of meets and tournaments had increased for them and they had everyone’s full support. After all, many students gain entry and scholarships to college that way.

How different it could be if creative pursuits were treated the same way! It just wasn’t the case.

So, I kept suppressing the urge to do what sparked joy in my life. And, predictably, the more I didn’t do what I longed to do, the more depressed I became.

Here’s the worst part, though:

It took me years to get back to my true, Creative Self.

Sure, I painted from time to time. I joined a weekly singing group. And, every once in a while, I played around on my digital piano.

But, I never allowed myself to dive wholeheartedly into the things that brought me true joy.

Worse, I felt like I had to hide it.

No, I knew I had to hide it. Because being a Creative wasn’t welcomed in my professional life.

The few times I tried to share my interests at work, it was frowned upon.

Like I wasn’t serious enough. I had better things to do, like surpass my billable hours requirement or take on more and more responsibilities.

I must not be working hard enough if I wasn’t more sleep deprived. If I wasn’t worked to the bone.

For a long time, I accepted this. And I shifted not only my writing style, but also my personality.

I went from a mostly introverted, sometimes shy person, to an extraverted-when-I-have-to-be Ambivert.

My dream of writing creative works as a Novelist switched to legal writing and oral advocacy as an Attorney.

For a long time, it worked.

But, success can sometimes be a trap.

Especially when money’s tied to it. The financial reward makes it far easier to overlook what’s happening — inside.

Problem is: the body keeps the score.

And I never felt at ease. I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Stress was always there, boiling just under the surface. Until it boiled over — often, in searing migraines.

So, I upped my self-care. More meditation. More journaling. More yoga and other exercise. More healthy eating.

Why, then, wasn’t it working?

Why did my life still feel wrong?

Over time, the crux of the problem revealed itself.

And, no, it wasn’t me.

The problem was the environment.

I was surrounded by people who were simply not like me.

Like one Partner in particular.

I wish I could say he was one of a kind, grumbling disdainfully in the corner, where everyone chose to ignore his mean-spirited vindictiveness.

But, no, he was the Pit-Bull Partner with the most tenure and litigation experience. The other Partners all looked to him to lead the way and, boy, did he set the tone.

Could I just ignore it? Just keep my head down? Yes, for a time, I could focus on what I genuinely enjoyed about legal work.

But then came the day I realized what I was up against: These were people who reacted with glee when they’d heard one of the junior attorneys was mired in debt.

I could hear Mr. Pit-Bull announcing it for the rest of them to hear. “Educational Debt” or, he said with a laugh, “Credit Card Debt’s even better!” Wherever the debt came from, it didn’t matter. Let it be so for all the junior Attorneys. “It’s better for us!” he guffawed. All that mattered was that these worker bees were so far up to their eyeballs in debt, they’d remain chained to their jobs, willing to bleed themselves dry, to ensure they’d just get paid.

What a harsh truth to overhear, to know that the people you’re supposed to look up to, the people you’re supposed to want to become, are actually strategizing about junior Attorneys like that.

I wished I hadn’t heard it. But it was unavoidable. (This Partner absolutely loves to hear himself talk, and makes sure his voice is booming so everyone around him can hear.) 

Even so, it was jarring to hear his scheming and laughing, followed by raucous cheers from the other Partners, who seemed to admire his Don’t-Give-a-Shit Attitude for saying it so brazenly, out-loud.

I felt The Ick.

It was the first time (but far from the last time), I’d been exposed to behavior like that.

I wasn’t naive. Most people aren’t. The majority of us know what being cogs in a machine can mean.

But, understanding it theoretically, from a distance, can feel quite different from being confronted with it, face-to-face.

And I got the lesson, loud and clear: When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for. 

That was that.

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I stopped being willing to compromise my health.

I stopped trading my time more than I had to.

I decided to make creativity a priority in my life.

I stopped suppressing who I was.

I found ways to inject creativity into my days.

It wasn’t easy.

I went from being someone who loved to sleep in, to someone who woke up without an alarm to do my Creative Writing at 5am every day. And while I can’t say I’m as far as I’d like to be when it comes to Marketing, I have written 3 books and the 4th is on its way.

These aren’t just metrics.

I feel it. My happiness increased significantly, the more agency I gave to myself.

And, I didn’t stop there.

I let Creative Writing spill into my legal work. With briefs and pleadings, I conserved my energy; there’s not much you can do with the dryer parts. But summarizing facts? Those were golden opportunities to let my Creative Self shine. I told myself, “Facts are facts,” but I looked forward to the art and craft of telling my clients’ stories. I found a way to make my legal work fun to write and, as Partners and judges say, fun to read. It translates to wins.

Not just at work.

At life.

You don’t have to be at the mercy of what others want to decide for you.

You can find a way to curate a life that works, based on what YOU want to do.

It may require sacrifice. Sometimes the progress you make doesn’t take you that far. And it may take a long time to monetize.

But it’s worth it.

To let yourself be who you actually are.

For me, the process never seems to end but, little by little, I’m doing it: injecting more creativity into my hours, my days, my weeks.

Even when I don’t feel like it.

Even when it’s something new I’ve never learned, and I feel uneasy and afraid.

I’m doing it anyway.

• This January, I started writing on Medium.

• I started a Newsletter.

• And I’m planning to create videos, too.

And, with each small step I’m taking, I feel a little more hope.

And comfort, in the knowledge that I’m not alone. There are so many Creatives here, and that’s exciting! To see all these people who refuse to lose sight of their honest, authentic Self.

Not getting paid to write yet?

Who cares, doing it anyway!

Want to be a poet, but you’re a Banker?

Who cares, writing poems anyway!

Artist working two jobs?

Who cares, posting on Instagram anyway!

It makes me happy.

To know I didn’t stop looking.

I’ve found the right environment.

And I’m no longer making the same mistake:

I’ve stopped trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

It feels damn good.

To feel free.

To be me.

Are You Taking Time to BE True To Who You Are?

I hope so.

If not, don’t wait.

Calendar a specific time, to do what YOU want to do.

Because there’s nothing wrong with being who you are.

Being true to yourself is the most important thing you will ever do.

— The VICTUS Method

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted, plus all of the extra goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

It Starts & Ends with YOU: Why You Need to Build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF

It Starts & Ends with YOU: Why You Need to Build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF

10x Your Peace With The VICTUS Method: How to Reconnect with Your Inner Self

In my last two posts (How to Be Happy When Who You Are Is NOT Who You Are Meant To Be, and Whose Mountain Are You Climbing Anyway?), I focused on the way our Self fractures when we silence our own dreams, wants, and desires to meet the expectations that others have set for us.

One of the primary goals of the VICTUS Method is to repair that separation, so that we can unify the separate parts of our Self and bring synergy to everything we do, in all areas of our life.

Sound good?

Let’s go!

To begin our journey, we have to look back on our childhood. After all that’s when it all began, when we first learned to look to others to define our relationship with the world and, ultimately, to our Self.

 

The Science of Attachment Theory

Based on the research of Harry Harlow, John Bowlby, and Mary Ainsworth, there are 4 Attachment Styles that we can develop with our primary caregivers during childhood:

1. Secure Attachment Style (Type B)

People with a Secure Attachment Style are confident that their needs will be met. As infants and children, they expressed their need for food, physical care, and emotional connection and their caregivers were highly responsive and helped them to regulate their emotions (“co-regulation”).

Adults with Secure Attachment Style are usually:

  • Confident

  • Assertive

  • Open to trying new things, usually with a Growth Mindset

  • Willing to ask others for help

  • See others as a potential source of support

  • Have healthy boundaries with others

  • Are able to regulate their emotions and express their feelings well

2. Insecure Avoidant Attachment Style (Type A)

People with an Insecure Attachment Style are not confident that their needs will be met because their caregivers were not responsive or they were inconsistently responsive.

Adults with Insecure Attachment Style may:

  • Appear more withdrawn, like a “loner”

  • Be more independent and/or have difficulty making friends

  • Be less willing to ask for help

  • See others as unable or unwilling to meet their needs

  • Have anxiety about losing relationships

  • Have anxiety about potential or perceived rejection

  • Avoid close relationships

  • Have difficulty expressing their feelings

  • Be unable to identify how they’re feeling

  • Feel discomfort with intimacy

  • Avoid situations that feel uncomfortable or involve potential conflict

  • Have a negative self-image

  • Have low self-esteem

  • Distrust others

3. Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style (Type C)

People with an Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style are not confident that their needs will be met because their caregivers were sometimes responsive, sometimes not, which might cause them to become ambivalent; they want intimacy, but are anxious or scared that they will be rejected and lose the person they care about. This can result in behaviors that seem needy, manipulative, and/or dismissive of others. 

Adults with Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style may:

  • Appear to be insecure, preoccupied, and/or anxious

  • Struggle to explore new situations or relationships

  • Seek more reassurance about their work or relationship status

  • React strongly to others’ perceived rejection

  • May be labeled “too sensitive”

  • May over-personalize other people’s behavior when it’s not about them

  • Exhibit clingy behavior

  • Reject you before you can reject them

4. Disorganized

People with Disorganized Attachment Style often view their present-day relationships as if they’re an opportunity to solve past traumas.

People with Disorganized Attachment Style may:

  • Suffer from anxiety, depression, and/or post-traumatic stress disorder

  • Use drugs, alcohol, or other maladaptive behaviors to distance or disconnect themselves from the painful feelings they experience

  • May be aggressive, abusive, and/or manipulative

  • May display highly explosive anger

  • May “stir the pot” and engage in gossip and/or mean-spirited, bullying behavior

  • May be highly triggered in their current life because they feel like they are re-living past abuse or past trauma

 

Who Are You?

Which Attachment Style do you have?

Are you on the spectrum of securely attached behaviors, or do you exhibit some maladaptive ones?

No matter which Attachment Style you have, there’s hope.

Your Attachment Style CAN Change

While we may develop a particular Attachment Style with our primary caregivers throughout our childhood, we can change our Attachment Style, depending on the quality and consistency of our relationships throughout our lives.

This is fantastic news!

It proves that we can and do change, depending on our ability to regulate our own emotions (by ourselves) and in concert with others (co-regulation).

So, the solution is two-fold:

  1. We need to improve our co-regulation.

  2. We need to improve our self-regulation.

In future posts, I will discuss co-regulation in-depth, but for the purposes of this post, I want to focus on self-regulation.

 

Why? Because We’re Over-Focusing On Other People

The entire premise of Attachment Theory is that our relationships with other people shapes how we perceive and interact with others throughout our lives.

Other people are therefore the focal point.

And that’s the problem: When we over-focus on other people, it leads us far off the path we genuinely wish to take.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Other people can be part of the problem, but other people do not have to be our only solution.

 

The VICTUS Method Focuses Inward, Rather than Outward: You Can Re-Parent Yourself

Our relationship with our Self is the most enduring relationship that we will ever have throughout our entire lives.

And we cannot expect other people to be there for us in every situation.

Even the most Securely Attached caregiver is human. They have their own limitations and hardships to overcome in their own lives, and that impacts their ability to be there for us.

The one constant that we can control is our ability to be there for our Self.

Do not wait to nurture such an important relationship.

Start. Now.

 

To Achieve Synergy of Self, You Must Develop a Secure Attachment to YOU

That’s why, in nearly every post I’ve made about the VICTUS Method, I’ve reiterated this principle:

YOU are the Expert at being You. No one else.

— The VICTUS Method

This also means,

YOU are responsible for you.

You are responsible for understanding:

• who you are: know your strengths and weaknesses.

what you need: know what you need to feel safe, loved, and at peace.

what you want to achieve: know your hopes, goals, and dreams.

what you should learn, the skills you must practice, to strive and succeed.

When you truly understand and accept that these are your responsibility, you can become who you want to be.

— The VICTUS Method

Many things have happened and will continue to happen to us in ways that are beyond our control.

But, when we accept responsibility for our Self, we are at our most powerful because we don’t have to look in so many different directions, to find other people who can “save us.” Instead, we can trust that whatever comes our way, we can be there for ourselves in the best, most loving way possible.

We do it by listening to our inner wisdom, that part of us that knows intuitively what we need.

And, like a caregiver who’s attuned to his or her child, we can and should be attuned to our own physical and emotional needs.

We can re-parent ourselves.

 

It’s never too late to start.

That’s why, in my next posts, we’ll begin the exercises I have planned to take us on an experimental journey of self-exploration, so we can reflect on what we truly need, both physically and emotionally, to become Securely Attached to our Self.

These easy, fun, and creative practices will allow you to:

  • Build new neural circuitry to see yourself as your own “best friend” or “parent,” depending on which wording is more healing for you;

  • Regulate your nervous system so that you can feel safe to feel all your emotions, whether “good” or “bad,” so that all emotions are welcome and able to pass through you with less resistance and unnecessary suffering;

  • Enhance your ability to look inward, rather than outward, to improve your outlook on life; and,

  • Recalibrate your Inner Compass, so you can determine the best direction to take your life, moving forward.

Just imagine:

A life where you don’t have to be tied to what others think about or expect from you.

A life where you feel safe to be authentically, unapologetically YOU.

It is possible. It takes time, but I know this Method works because it’s how I’ve freed myself from many of the limiting beliefs and fears I’ve had for years.

And this renewed sense of freedom and purpose has helped me to enjoy richer relationships with my families, friends, and colleagues, because I know that I am here for me. And I always will be.

 

Join Me on This Journey

“Do you see me?”

I’m just a few steps ahead you on the path.

I’m reaching out.

You just have to take my hand.

“Come with me,” I whisper. “I’ve suffered. Let me share what I’ve learned, so you don’t have to.”

You can see the light I’m shining. I’m ready to light our way.

Something flickers, deep inside of you.

It’s the child in you, waiting. Waiting to be healed.

Join me, friend.

The child in me honors and respects the child in each of you,

Marisa 

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Whose Mountain Are You Climbing, Anyway? Choose the Right Goals!

Whose Mountain Are You Climbing, Anyway? Choose the Right Goals!

Unleash YOUR Power with The VICTUS Method to 10x your life!

 “YOU are the Expert at being You. No one else.”

— The VICTUS Method

You are the only person who knows all of the ups and deepest, darkest downs you’ve gone through.

You are the only one who can get yourself from who you are to who you want to be.

So make sure that YOU are the one who’s directing YOUR LIFE!

No one else!

Not even if they love you.

Not even if they want what’s best for you.

And certainly not, if they don’t have your best interest at heart.

Do not be swayed by what the World says you should want.

Let your Inner Wisdom — YOUR truest, most authentic voice — guide you.

Follow the Energy that rises when you do what YOU want to do.

What you choose to do.

For that is the path that is meant for you.

That is the Mountain YOU ARE MEANT to climb.

That is the destiny that’s waiting for you.

You can already glimpse the view that’s waiting there, just for YOU to see.

It’s the brightest, most expansive vista, with all the paths you could have gone, but chose not to take.

Trust yourself and you will stand where YOU are meant to be.

If not, remember: You can change direction.

Because you are the Compass, the Guide who’s moving you forward. 

And today is the day.

You’re determined to walk yourself up.

To where you’ve never dared to go.

And the Energy inside, it’s growing, propelling you forward.

You can see the precipice. It’s already in your sights.

It’s the grandest height, above the most hallowed of places.

Because it’s not outside of you, where you’re looking.

No, your vision reaches from the highest of heights to the very depths of your Soul.

To the very heart of you.

To everything you wished you could be.

To the person you thought you could never become.

To the parts of you you once left blowing aimlessly in the wind.

Like strings, the severed strips of you streamed, whipping this way and that.

No more!

Your hands are steady. Self-assured.

Your fingers weave the strings into a strand, a rope, to unify all of your forgotten, one-wayward parts.

You’re tethered now, to your Self.

You’re ready.

Holding tight.

To the self-belief that’s grown inside of you.

All of you’s becoming one.

You banish the whispers of self-doubt.

You grow.

You learn to trust yourself.

You thank yourself for believing,

in who you are & who you’re meant to be.

One foot in front of the other, you walk.

One step. Another step. You climb.

It may be slow going but, damn it, you’ll get there, because this Mountain’s not meant for anyone else but you.

It’s YOUR MOUNTAIN.

You’re ready to claim it.

It’s waiting for your flag.

Put a stake in it. It’s YOURS.

All you have to do is ACT.

Do it.

Move forward.

One step. Another step.

A step for each and every breath.

One Moment. Just one.

Listen

To YOU

And you’ll get there:

To the Mountaintop YOU are meant to climb.

Are you listening to the most important person in your life: 

YOU?  

— The VICTUS Method

 

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

How to Be Happy When Who You Are Is NOT Who You Are Meant To Be

Children swinging on swing

How to Be Happy When Who You Are Is NOT Who You Are Meant To Be

Practice the VICTUS Method to create Synergy in your Self & 10x the happiness in your life!

 “Who are YOU?

Be brave.

Question who you are.

Then, ask who you are meant to be.”

— The VICTUS Method

From the moment you’re born, so many voices start to whisper in your ear.

As soon as you’re old enough to express yourself, you’re asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Perhaps you wanted to be a teacher, a policeman, a writer, a gardener, a programmer, an artist, a doctor, a firefighter, a lawyer, an engineer, an astronaut, or a chef.

Once upon a time, you might have loved learning all of the different names for the dinosaurs. Or become obsessed with identifying the stars and constellations twinkling across the night sky. Maybe you loved art and its free-flowing messiness, or the feel of soft supple clay, squeezed between your fingers. Perhaps baking pies and decorating cakes were your favorite, and you loved to roll the dough across your kitchen counter top.

Early on, you likely considered many options, like clothes, easy to change, different from day to day. Because there was time to think and explore and reflect. You probably spent many afternoons, letting your mind wander, watching the clouds drift along the horizon, as the sun kissed your small, round face.

Maybe you picked a favorite when you were in grade school, but you went through another three options by the time high school came around because, most likely, your interests had changed.

Then somewhere along the line, someone — perhaps a parent, teacher, or college advisor — told you, in no uncertain terms, that you had to choose. You had to make the monumental decision to finally decide, once and for all, what you wanted to be. Time was up. And the time to grow up was now.


“What do you want to be?”

Who actually answered that question?

Was it really YOU?

Or was it your mom or dad?

Were you parroting what someone else told you to say?

Or mimicking what your friends wanted to do?

Looking back as an adult, can you honestly say, “I got it right”?

Did your expectations align with your experience?

Or, was reality nothing like what you expected?

Did you choose one profession? Or many?

Did you stay within the confines of your education and training?

Or did you venture out, to embark on a different path?

Did you switch gears to explore something new?

Did you listen to the voice within, urging you to go for your dreams?

Or did you lose your voice?

Were there other voices drowning yours out?

Perhaps the loudest voices told you to do the sensible thing, to choose a profession that would earn a substantial income and offer you stability and respect.

In the pursuit of that, maybe certain opportunities weren’t recommended.

Maybe they didn’t want you to be a starving artist, so they dissuaded you from spending so much time doing art.

Maybe they were acutely aware that doctors were well-respected and highly-paid, so they pushed you to go into medicine.

Or they enjoyed watching you perform, but being an actor would be untenable, so they guided you away from the stage, and urged you to apply to journalism school instead.

Or maybe none of these were options, because you were expected to run the family business. There was no other option than that.


Whatever the path, what was the result — for YOU?

A fragmented Self.

A Self where only certain aspects of ourselves were valued. Just the parts that gave you money. Prestige. The ooh’s and ah’s of approval that’s given by society and our families.

And everything else falls by the wayside. The artist in you fades. The singer who loves to perform disappears into the shadows. The writer merely dabbles in the margins.

We think the path’s already been chosen. So, like zombies, we walk, only half-alive. We find it easy to slip into silence. To let ourselves go mute.

“It’s better this way,” we tell ourselves.

We didn’t (and still don’t) want to disappoint anyone.

So we devote all our time to it. Hour after hour. Day after day. Doing the tasks that are assigned, that are required, by everyone else.

Tasks pile up and, with the pressure to perform, to be accepted to college, to get the job, to earn that promotion, to rise up the ranks and build that nest egg, it becomes increasingly difficult to center oneself, to hear the voice that’s inside.


How often do you ask yourself, “How does this make me feel?”

Maybe you don’t entertain the thought.

Maybe you’re just too busy. There are simply too many things to do.
Not only career-wise, but you’re dating, or you’re getting engaged, or you just got married.
You’re renting, then trying to buy a house. Then you got that mortgage, signed on the dotted line, and rushed to fill that house with stuff.

You’re having kids. Carpooling to games. Making sure to raise them right. To teach them more than their words and numbers. To instill proper values. To teach them how to be successful.

And there we are. It begins again.

The cycle is never-ending.

I don’t say this to fault our loved ones or to make anyone “wrong.”

For the lucky, their advice might have been a subtle, gentle invitation to explore our strengths and discover what career best suited us.

But, for others, the “advice” might have been compulsory, an order, with the direct or subliminal message: “You will do this, or I won’t love you. This is the only way you can earn my love.”

The wrong path might’ve been mapped out for us from the beginning.

Or, it could’ve gone sideways when we were older, when we joined the rat race and our employers became the loudest voice in our ears.

And when everyone else is climbing the ladder, we do it too, because that’s what’s expected. “That’s just what you do.”

Regardless of how we got here, for our own sake, it’s worth asking the question:


Are you doing what’s best for YOU?

That can be tough to answer.

When other people’s voices clutter our mind, we lose the ability to hear our Self.

We lose our connection to the deepest parts of ourselves.

We compartmentalize.

We shatter. 

We separate from our Self.

Until we can no longer tell who we are.

We forget that we matter.

We don’t give ourselves the time to answer questions like:
• Am I fulfilling my purpose?
• If I do this, am I on the path to my dreams?

Nor do we give ourselves time to just play.

We don’t wonder:
• Does doing this bring me joy?
• What creative activities do I want to explore?

Even if something doesn’t make us loads of money or make us famous or well-regarded among our peers, do we make time to do it anyway, for the joy and happiness it brings to us?


We can’t afford to ignore these questions.

If we do, we’ll all end up in the same place: Living a life that’s inferior, where we’re less than what we could have been. Doing what we were not meant to do.

And, one day, we’ll all be dead, never having lived. Not truly.

But it’s not too late!


There was once, and still is, you.

Just you.

The little girl or boy that you once were, playing with toys in the sandbox, swinging on the swings, watching the blades of grass waving in the afternoon breeze.

We just have to realize: as long as we are alive, we still have time.

For swinging without a purpose.
For hiking to see where the path leads.
For watching the birds and imagining where they might be coming from or flying to.
For making things with our hands.
And dreaming with our hearts.


Let’s be brave.

Let’s pose the right question:

Are you listening to the most important person in your life: 

YOU?  

— The VICTUS Method

If the answer’s “no”…


What’s the Solution? The VICTUS Method.

Victus is the pen name I chose for my writing.

But, more than that, it’s a way of life.

Yes, read that again, slowly this time: Vita est pro victus.

Now, repeat after me: 

Life is for living.

The way YOU want to. 

The way YOU choose to. 

Without denying entire parts of yourself. 

Without accepting the boxes people put you in. 

That’s why the VICTUS Method works.

Because you tailor it based on your preferences, and what works specifically for you.

 

Just imagine: SYNERGY in every aspect of your life. 

Not just in your job, but in your heart, body, and soul.

 

Every week, I will be writing, describing the practices and systems that have helped me, and exploring new methods, to see if they’re effective, too.

If you, too, want to enjoy more joy, flow, and creativity in your life, then sign up for my signup for my Newsletter on my Contact page.  

Together, we’ll apply the science-backed methods we can use to create more Synergy in our lives. 

Because we can all be happier. 

We just have to look back at our younger selves and say, “I see you.” 

 Let’s invite them to become one with who we are, and who we’re still growing up to be.

Happiness is Found In Synergy. 

Happiness is the Wholeness That’s Inside of You. 

— The VICTUS Method

If you enjoyed this post, show your support with a Clap & Follow on Medium.com!

And if you want to receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, signup for my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.