You’re Addicted to Their Story. You Just Don’t Notice It.
The VICTUS Method:
How to THINK-DO-BE your way to
Writing the Best Story for Your Life.
YOU are a powerful Storyteller.
Don’t believe me?
You are.
From the moment we’re born, we construct a sense of Self. An identity. An ego.
Starting with the name our parents give us.
It’s our father’s name. Or, less likely, our mother’s. Or, maybe neither. Perhaps we’re named after the great World War II veteran we all know as our much beloved grandpa.
Expectations from our caregivers abound. And we develop a certain self-concept, one that tells us we can become the President one day.
Or, we’ll “never amount to anything, but being a ‘Loser’ in life.” That’s usually not whispered, but yelled, repeatedly at us.
Yes, from something as simple as a name or a label, these factors play a role in who we think we can become.
But, what many of us don’t realize is that we’re now the ones holding the pen in our hands.
Long after we’ve gained some distance from the Storytellers in our past, we’re still writing the same story that they’ve told, and we’re retelling it to ourselves, repeating it again and again, using our own ink.
If we’re not careful, that ink becomes permanent. Though they weren’t our words originally, they’re tattooed now, on our hearts and in our minds. There, they continue to write the story of our lives, without our awareness, without our knowing it.
What lies are buried in your storyline?
When we live our lives unaware, we fall prey to the unconscious stories — the negative thought patterns — that are so indelible, they form the dialogue that’s constantly looping in our heads.
We can use methods like “Flipping the Script” and the “THINK-DO-BE” Method that I describe in The VICTUS Method here, here, and many more stories on my Medium profile, but those strategies help us to deal with challenges as they arise on a day-to-day basis.
With patience and skill, we can overcome each obstacle.
But, on a deeper level, far beneath the surface, a hidden script might be playing out on the macro level; and, if we’re not careful, it can direct our lives in profoundly negative ways:
Consider the person who puts everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. She never rests, says “Yes” to every invite, and volunteers to do everything for everyone, except herself. She suppresses what’s best for her, and pays for it — decades later — when an autoimmune disorder “helps” her to say no. She’s incapable of refusing anyone, so her body does the talking by taking her out of commission. With her legs and arms shut down, she can’t. Not even if she wanted to. Because her body can’t get out of bed.
Picture the man who tells himself “Life’s not fair,” not explicitly, but silently — there’s that perpetual Limiting Belief, whispering, in the recesses of his mind. It doesn’t surprise him, then, when he doesn’t get the promotion. It’s “because my Managers are against me.” It’s not due to anything that he’s done or not done. It’s not because of a skill or certification that’s required, but he didn’t have. It’s simply because “people like us don’t get ahead.” At least, that’s what his dad always said.
Or, maybe it’s subtler than that.
Perhaps it’s the person who’s deeply devoted to Therapy. He does all the homework that’s assigned to him. He’s a diligent student of his own psyche. And there’s plenty of “progress”:
• He’s no longer as anxious as he used to be.
• He’s far more social than before.
• He’s forgiven his ex.
• He’s not having PTSD flashbacks anymore.
It’s obvious, there’s forward momentum. There’s movement, in the right direction.
Problem is: the process never ends. He’s been going to Therapy for years, and the same cycle of therapy repeats endlessly.
There’s always more “work” to do, and it keeps him focused on thinking about and remembering the past.
BEWARE the Urge to Constantly Revisit the Past.
The greatest story we tell ourselves answers the question, “Who am I?”
Naturally, we revisit the past to answer that.
But, how much is “too much”?
Truth is: We revisit the past more often than we think we do, often without realizing it.
Our brains are so advanced that, with just one simple thought — like “I can’t remember names” — our brains immediately recall every single event that’s remotely similar.
Our brain recalls all the times we forgot someone’s name, no matter how small.
From the tiniest incident, like meeting a colleague at last week’s networking event. You forgot his name as soon as he said it. “Oh well,” you tell yourself, “I can’t remember names.” And, bam! You’ve reinforced that belief, that fast.
But, it gets worse. You don’t just remember the little incidents. You remember the worst of them. It’s the times you committed some terribly embarrassing faux pas, like calling your boss’ wife by his ex-wife’s name. Eek! The emotions that it brings up. (I cringe, just imagining it.) And, there it is again, the negative thought pattern’s reinforced, much more strongly this time, because of the strong emotions attached to it — and you re-experience it all, just as raw and real as in the past.
Any story — even if it’s a one-liner — has the ability to affect the story we’re telling us about ourselves. No matter how seemingly trivial it may be.
All it takes is a split second and “I can’t remember names,” sprouts far more than one new neural pathway. It recalls every similar neural pathway, and reinforces each and every one of them.
And our brain’s love familiarity — even if what’s familiar is bad. There’s a strong pull, then, for our brains to veer back, to return to that familiarity, even if the status quo doesn’t serve us.
Given that, how can we change any story about ourself?
How can we write a new storyline, when we’re trapped by the stories we’ve told or been told in the past?
Answer: It’s hard. Much harder than it’d be if we gave ourselves permission to let the past go.
Let. It. Go.
Create space for what might be. What can be. If we choose it to be.
Revisiting the Past Keeps It In Your Present
We must be mindful of every thought we think. Especially when it’s based on anything false.
So, yes, examine the past. Understand it. Then, try our best to Let. It. Go.
LET IT GO!
It is hard. I know.
I’ve survived many hardships. Traumas — both Big T and small.
And I’ve worked hard to overcome them. Most certainly, I have.
But, since I’ve decided to live my life with more purpose and passion than I ever have before, I’ve realized with great clarity how dangerous it can be to focus on the past.
The past can make you miserable. All the mistakes. All the terrible things that’ve happened to you. The time that’s slipped away. If only I had… If only that hadn’t happened… If only I could go back…..
No! None of that sort of thinking serves us.
That’s why I decided to write my own story. And chose to name it victus, which is Latin for “living” or “way of life.”
The VICTUS Method: Make the conscious decision to LET THE PAST GO.
Especially any emotionally-charged memories that are negative.
For they hold greater sway and influence on us, psychologically.
They can be triggered, far too easily, if we allow them to come to mind.
And the more we allow them to reappear, the more they cloud our present thoughts in a shroud of negativity and hopelessness, that weakens us.
It doesn’t just dim our light. It robs us of possibility. It narrows our focus.
And it dumbs us down: When we can’t see through the cloud of smoke, or even realize that the smoke is there, we can’t see that the cloud’s based on negative memories, memories that are not a present threat.
Then, we sit there and breathe it in, like a toxic vape that’s killing us. But that, too, becomes familiar. So familiar, it warps our minds, so we sit still, not realizing we could just stand up and walk away.
Just a puff might delay you for a few hours or maybe a day.
But, at its worst, it can rob you blind. Instead of seeing the goodness in front of you, what you have, what you could choose to be, you can only see what’s lacking and what’s wrong. You tell yourself your life could be great, if only you acquired this or accomplished that.
Stay In The Present, Practice Gratitude, and Focus On “The Next Right Step”
The VICTUS Method uses meditation to breathe into the moment. To bring clarity, and give yourself peace of mind.
Realize your suffering can end the second you decide to quit rehashing and remembering the past.
By focusing on the Present. On what you have — now . On what’s right — now.
Then aim your sights on the Positive Future that awaits you.
On the immense open expanse of time that’s still left in the story you choose to write.
Give yourself the gift of a Blank Page.
Think of all the incredible opportunities that are meant for you, that are waiting for you.
All you have to do is focus on taking the “Next Right Step.”
That’s how we conquer our Past: by keeping it there.
Then, ignore your foes.
Use the THINK-DO-BE Method to Discount Any Voice That Tries to Tell You, “Your story’s already written.”
It’s not.
When our emotions are triggered, it’s painful. Fear and shame set in and we forget how much power we have, if we would just take a moment to realize that what people say to us or about us is NOT true all of the time.
Every comment need not be believed or acted upon or even responded to.
No matter who said it to us.
We have to be mindful.
How?
By using the THINK-DO-BE Method:
(1) THINK
Practice The Pause: We must give ourselves time between stimulus and response to raise our level of conscious awareness.
In that beautiful space, we can become our own Inner Counselor, our highest Self that can take a cold, hard, objective look at the comment and its source.
There, we can ask critical questions, like:
Does this person know who I am, truly?
Do they know me well enough to have an informed opinion at all?
Does this person understand my lived experience and have empathy, understanding, and compassion for me?
Does this person want what is best for me?
What are this person’s motivations? Are their wishes aligned with mine?
Does this person have the life — material, emotional, and/or physical — that I aspire to have?
Does this person have the experience to even speak on this subject?
If I adopt this person’s advice or viewpoint, will it bring me closer to, or take me farther away from, my goals?
Did I ask this person for their advice, or are they giving me their unsolicited opinion?
Is this person overstepping my boundaries?
Is this person prying into my business, when they have no right to?
Is this person motivated by a desire to use me for their own gain?
Is this person an honest, trustworthy person? Based on my prior experience with them? Or, based on the experience of others, whom I trust?
(2) DO
Answering these questions will help to calm our amygdala, the fear center of our brains, and activate our Pre-Frontal Cortex, so we can use our reason and intellect to put others’ opinions in their place, as opinions to be trusted and followed, or discounted and ignored.
Most of all, never repeat any falsehoods when we talk to ourselves. Don’t imprint their Limiting Beliefs in our own inner dialogue.
Instead, we can tell ourselves what we need to hear, to write the Best Story, one that serves our highest Self and motivates us to keep moving forward.
(3) BE
When we entrain our brains to adopt the right Beliefs, they become our Attitudes, that — with repetition — become our Personalities, and our whole Self improves in a mindful, conscious, self-directed way.
The pen is in our hands. In our hearts. In our minds.
We just have to remember that we are the Authors; we write the dialogue that’s written and eventually tattooed onto our mind and into heart.
So let’s wield our pens with care.
Abandon any story that doesn’t serve us.
And write the Best Story. One that enriches our lives and enlivens us.
Only YOU can write your story.
The one that sets you free.
The Storywriter in me honors & respects the Storywriter in you,
Marisa
If you love to learn about the science of self-improvement, I invite you to Subscribe to my YouTube Channel and signup for my free Substack Newsletter.
Together, we’ll explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.
We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:
• Enliven our emotions & creativity;
• Enhance our efficiency & productivity;
• Foster a greater depth of Self;
• Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and,
• Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.
I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you (in addition to music!) and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared for you.
We CAN do this, TOGETHER!
Marisa
Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement.
Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self.
