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If You Struggle with Perfectionism, Change Your Identity: Don’t Be a “Perfectionist”, try these 2 Identities instead!

Posted on by marisavictus

If You Struggle with Perfectionism, Change Your Identity:

Don’t Be a “Perfectionist”, try these 2 Identities instead!

You must adopt the right Identity to Build a Secure Attachment with Yourself, Be Resilient, & Achieve Your Goals in Life!

Are YOU a “Perfectionist”?

I was. Most definitely. I was raised from a very young age to always go for the A and, if extra credit was there for the taking, I better get that A+, too.

Where did it get me?

It helped me to become an Attorney.

But, there’s so much more to me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are so many fantastic upsides to practicing law. Most of all, I love how I’m able to use my writing and advocacy skills to help my clients succeed. I feel a great sense of purpose in doing that.

But…

There’s more to life than your profession. For me, there’s a completely distinct “Creative” inside of me.

She’s the inner child, whom I’ve silenced for far too long.

Not anymore.

After many years, I’m giving her permission to come out and play, to let her Creative flag fly freely in the wind.

And I’ve got my hands full, because I’m in love with many things:

1. Creative Writing: I’m about to publish the 2nd book in my science fiction series, THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. And, I’m also posting my non-fiction writing on Medium and free Substack Newsletter.

2. Music: singing & piano.

3. Art: painting, both traditionally and digitally.

4. Fitness: dance, nutrition, and a combination of other fitness activities.

5. Putting Myself Out There: This is the hardest for me. Working away for hours, I can do. I wake up at 5 am every day — even on the weekends — just to do it. That’s how much I love creating.

But putting myself out there? That’s significantly harder. It’s why I’ve finished writing 3 books in my science fiction series, and I’m working on my 4th book in the series now, but Marketing? Oh my. I’ve barely done a thing!

That obviously needs to change, as I gear up to publish the 2nd book.

And I’m eager to do it, this time around, because now I know other people who enjoy creative activities!

I’ve since discovered Medium and Substack, and fellow writers who’ve inspired me to consider posting audio and video of myself, too.

So, here I go. This is the area where I’ve got the most to learn and experience, and it will take the most time to get used to recording myself and being brave enough to post it.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

As I take a step back to look at my list, I see there’s a LOT going on.

I want to do all of these things well, but I am not “perfect” at doing them.

 

The OLD “Perfectionist” in me would have been bothered by this.

If I were my old “Perfectionistic” Self, I would have stressed myself out, worrying and fretting over the need to do everything as perfectly as possible.

Back then, I would’ve told myself I better learn EXACTLY how to do everything, and I would’ve spent a massive amount of time and sleepless nights studying how.

Because that nasty wraith — that pernicious Limiting Belief — “You Have to Be PERFECT” would’ve been more than whispering in my ear. It would’ve been shouting with a megaphone at me.

 

NOT anymore!

All that stress has melted away over the years. And it’s not because I got some sort of lobotomy to excise the wraith out permanently.

No, I simply changed my mind with the THINK-DO-BE Method that I love to use, to rewire my mind and change my life:

 

1)  THINK. Re-think your chosen Identity.

THINK:

I’m a “Perfectionist.”

RE-THINK:

Whenever I struggle with how I’m seeing myself, I remind myself to re-think.

I know, for a fact, that the “Perfectionist” identity does not serve me. Thinking that I have to be perfect immediately makes me feel like I’m “starting too late” or “falling behind” because I’m not farther along on my creative journey.

So, how can I do these creative activities without falling prey to a “Perfectionist” mentality?

 

2)  DO. Try your new chosen Identity.

Keep in mind that the Self isn’t static. It’s malleable and can change over time. You can direct it the way you want it to be!

So, try on other Identities!

Here are 2 of my recent favorites:

 

1. Be a “Creative Artist”!

When I think of an Artist, I imagine someone with a free spirit, who isn’t strict and doesn’t like to be confined by what’s considered “the right way to do things.”

An Artist is a bit of a rebel — and I love that.

S/he’s not concerned with producing something so “perfect” that it lacks humanity.

In fact, I picture the opposite: a work of art that captures the messiness and beauty of a life well lived.

I expect the art or writing to move me, precisely because it captures the imperfection that surrounds us.

That imperfection makes me feel something because it resonates with the imperfection inside of me.

The Artist doesn’t try to be perfect. Because s/he knows she doesn’t need to be.

And that gives me permission to be imperfect, too.

When we’re not perfect, there’s room to grow.

So, don’t be a “Perfectionist”! Be a “Creative Artist” instead!

 

2. Be a “Lifelong Learner”!

What’s the opposite of a “Perfectionist” who’s supposed to be Perfect from the day they were born, until the day they die?

A “Lifelong Learner”!

When you’re a “Lifelong Learner,” you do NOT need to have all the answers. In fact, you’re expected NOT to.

And that’s perfectly OK.

Because you’re always willing and able to learn.

And you have your entire life to study, practice, and apply the new knowledge you acquire, little by little.

I love this Identity because it makes me feel safe to take the action I need to take to make progress.

That’s critical because action beats motivation — always.

That’s why I frequently remind myself:

• Do NOT wait for motivation to come.

• All you have to do is take action and MEASURE your progress to see your gains.

• As your progress begins to compound and you gain momentum, you’ll feel inspired and motivation will come automatically.

Best of all, the more you behave like a “Lifelong Learner,” the less tightly you have to grip onto your sense of Self, because your Self is not so consumed by the Ego anymore.

You feel free because NOT knowing is simply no longer a threat to who you are, or your worth as a person.

 

3) BE. Having tried both Identities, I’m no longer a “Perfectionist.” Instead, I choose to be a “Creative Artist” and a “Lifelong Learner” Every. Single. Day.

What about you?

Which Identity or Identities have you tried?

Who are YOU choosing to be?

Whether you’re an “Creative Artist”, a “Lifelong Learner,” or another Identity entirely, I wish you the freedom to be as Perfectly Imperfect as you are, just as I am, too.

 

The light in me honors and respects the light in you,

Marisa

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

I hope you’ll join me as, together, we explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.

Just signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:

  • Enliven our emotions & creativity;

  • Enhance our efficiency & productivity;

  • Foster a greater depth of Self;

  • Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and, 

  • Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.

I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you, and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared!

It’s my goal to serve something greater than myself, and there’s nothing greater than helping others to end suffering in their Inner World. 

I wish I had had someone back in the day to help me.

And I love to create systems  — I’ve won awards for the ones I’ve created in my legal work  — and, believe me, I’m even more passionate about this!

So, join me and let’s create a like-minded community! Receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, get all the FREE goodies I’ve made, and signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We CAN do this, TOGETHER!

Marisa

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

The VICTUS Method merges the THINK-DO-BE practice with Art Therapy: You Might’ve Forgotten the Artist Inside of You, But the Child in You Has Not.

Posted on by marisavictus

The VICTUS Method merges the THINK-DO-BE practice with Art Therapy:

You Might’ve Forgotten the Artist Inside of You, But the Child in You Has Not.

The VICTUS Method combines the THINK-DO-BE Practice with Art Therapy, to demonstrate that, even when we forget the Artist that lives inside of us, the child in us has not. The Limiting Belief “I am not creative” is simply not true. Indeed, when we DO a 5-day Art Exercise, we can PROVE that we are, in fact, highly creative. And, the more we engage in regular creative activities, the more we can actively BE creative, until we can SEE ourselves clearly, as the resilient, Creative people that we are.

 

My friend, the Artist? She doesn’t think so, but somewhere inside, I believe the child in her is.

The other day, my friend who’s an Accountant came over and asked me if I had a black marker she could use.

I reached into the cabinet and pulled out a Huggies wet nap bin. You know, the kind that has the button that pops up so you can dispense wet naps for your kids without drying out the whole pack.

Now that my young kids are done with diapers and they don’t need to have a pack in Every. Single. Room. of the house anymore (hooray!), I decided to repurpose the Huggies wet nap bin to store loose things like pens, so I pulled it out, and handed her a Sharpie.

My friend’s eyes widened and, as she arched her eyebrows in surprise, she said, “Oh! What a great idea! We threw away all of our wetnap bins. You’re so creative to reuse them like that. We have so many pens and nicknacks everywhere, it makes our drawers messy. I should’ve done that with our bins, too — but I’m not creative. I’m just not creative at all.”

It seemed like such a small thing to say, but it wasn’t.

She said it so matter-of-factly, like it was a given. An obvious, certifiable fact.

It broke my heart.

I mean, just think for a moment: When have you seen a child say that?

Have you ever heard a little boy or girl say “I’m not creative” about themselves?

No, the vast majority of children are born with a sense of pure joy and fearlessness, not only about who they are, but in what they create. They’re born confident in their creativity.

They pick up their crayons and colored pencils and attack the page, drawing all the images they can imagine. Their fingers move with abandon. Their eyes gaze down at the paper, without any sense of self-consciousness or embarrassment. And they smile and show-off their creativity, with a great sense of accomplishment and pride.

Comparison — the thief of joy — comes later.

Children — in all of their purity — simply don’t start out like that.

They have to be told by someone — perhaps a judgmental parent or teacher or other authority figure — that they’re NOT creative, or their work has to be picked apart and criticized, to think something like that.

It hurt to hear my friend say that about herself.

How could someone who seemed confident lose her sense of self like that?

And the look on her face, as she sighed and forced a grin. She looked unhappy, but sure. She’d meant what she’d said. She looked at me straight in the eye and said it — twice.

I’m just not creative.

It shows you how far we can lose our sense of Self.

I’d venture to say, we all feel it in some way or another. That disconnection from who we used to be as children. From who we’re meant to become as adults.

I refuse to accept that this is how we have to live: without the spark in our eyes!

Whoever planted that false belief in her head should be ashamed of themselves.

And if you have something similar floating around in the nooks and crannies of your noggin’, there’s hope. All we have to do is tune in, to repair that.

 

You Can Begin An Art Practice to Build a Secure Attachment with Yourself: Repair  Your Fractured Self

If we want to be happy, if we want to transform ourselves from who we are to who we’re meant to be, we have to be willing to ask ourselves tough questions — like “Who hurt me?” And, “Whose thoughts am I thinking?”

The THINK-DO-BE practice is a great way to point our Inner Compass in the right direction, to correct the disempowering thoughts that keep us from seeing who we actually are.

1) THINK. Then, Re-Think.

Original Thought: I’m not creative.

Re-Think: Is that really true?

Sometimes, it only takes a willingness to experiment, to look and try again, with an open mind.

 

2) DO. Commit to this 5-day Art Exercise.

Begin with a simple piece of artwork.

If you’d like, you can print the black and white coloring page I used above.

As you follow the following 5-day exercise, take notes:

• Notice the way it feels for you, to use some colors more than others.

• Notice the way the imagery feels — serene or severe — as you vary the thickness or pressure of each line.

• Notice the emotions that arise. Depending on the guidelines that are listed for each day, how do you feel? Do you feel resistance or a sense of expansion and excitement? How do your feelings shift each day?

DAY 1:

• Put all of the colors out in front of you.

• Use just the grays, browns, and blacks, to vary the thickness of each line and highlight certain parts of the scene, based on your preferences.

• Notice any urge you might have to use the colors, but don’t. Which colors are you drawn to? What’s the color you can’t wait to use?

DAY 2:

• Color the same image, using only the blues.

DAY 3:

• Color the same image, using only the reds.

DAY 4:

• Color the same image in a rainbow gradient, from reds on the left, through the oranges and yellows, to the greens, blues, and violets on the right.

• Did you decide to make each band of color equal? Or, are some bands of color wider than others?

• Did you make the image look realistic?

• Or, are flowers multi-colored, mixed like a rainbow, with blue or purple leaves? Perhaps, you colored in a bright pink or maybe green sky?

DAY 5:

• Use the full color spectrum.

• Use every possible color variation you can use from your crayon, pencil, or marker set.

• Did you choose to make the image look realistic this time?

• Did you color inside or outside the lines?

• Did you add any geometric shapes or patterns?

• Did you have the urge to make your own drawing, unburdened by any boundaries, using a blank, white page?

 

3) BE. Be willing to create art, again and again, and one day you will SEE the Artist inside of you.

Look at all 5 of your colored pages, side by side.

What did you learn about yourself?

Did your expectations match your results?

Did you surprise yourself in any way?

In less than a week, you probably discovered that you are far more creative than you originally thought.

 

Take the time, to appreciate the knowledge, the Self-Awareness, that you’ve gained.

What this simple 5-day exercise demonstrates is that we have to put ourselves out there, to try new experiences or re-try familiar things, if we truly want to challenge our Limiting Beliefs.

Here, the coloring page and instructions were “forcing functions” that required you to make artistic choices.

As those choices changed from day to day, you could see how your creativity impacted the look and feel of each piece.

At the end of 5 days, you had 5 distinct works of art — quantifiable proof that you are, in fact, creative.

There is no “wrong way” to be an artist. Just follow the spark of creativity that’s inside of you.

Don’t underestimate yourself.

Be willing to try. Be willing to see. Be willing to go where inspiration strikes.

 

Join us, for more artistic fun.

If you enjoyed this exercise and would like to explore more of your creative Self, signup for my free Substack Newsletter, where I’ll be hosting new art activities, to bring more creativity, self-care, and meditation to my Subscribers’ lives.

There will be free flowing, open-ended opportunities to draw/paint based on a theme/subject, as well as downloadable coloring pages, so we can see the color and design choices we make, as a community.

What will the child in you create?

Vita est pro victus.

Life is for living.

The child in me honors and respects the child in each of you,

Marisa

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

I hope you’ll join me as, together, we explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.

Just signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:

  • Enliven our emotions & creativity;

  • Enhance our efficiency & productivity;

  • Foster a greater depth of Self;

  • Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and, 

  • Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.

I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you, and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared!

It’s my goal to serve something greater than myself, and there’s nothing greater than helping others to end suffering in their Inner World. 

I wish I had had someone back in the day to help me.

And I love to create systems  — I’ve won awards for the ones I’ve created in my legal work  — and, believe me, I’m even more passionate about this!

So, join me and let’s create a like-minded community! Receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, get all the FREE goodies I’ve made, and signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We CAN do this, TOGETHER!

The light in me honors & respects the light in each of you,

Marisa

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sailing in a Storm: At sea, there’s no such thing as a “Perfect” Captain. 

Posted on by marisavictus

Sailing in a Storm: At sea, there’s no such thing as a “Perfect” Captain.

You’ve got to raise the anchor, hoist the sails, and use your Inner Compass, to reach the Land of your Dreams.

What makes a Captain, steering a ship in turbulent waters “perfect”?

There’s simply no such thing!

A “Perfect” Captain…

❌Cannot make the stormy clouds clear.

❌Cannot make the turbulent water still.

❌Cannot make the wind pick up the sails.

It’s impossible!

What makes a Captain great is that s/he gets the ship & crew safely from Point A to Point B!

Everyone’s alive.

No one’s died from scurvy.

And most (if not everyone)’s got all their limbs intact.

Life is the precisely same way!

We are all just trying to traverse the ocean of our lives, to get from where we are (Point A) to the New World (Point B) where the land of our Dreams awaits.

 

So stop having unreasonable expectations for yourself! Stop telling yourself that you have to be perfect!

All we have to do is take control of the direction in our lives, to steer the ship and be confident & capable Captains!

Stop expecting perfection & focus only on measuring your GAINS.

Because it’s not about whether the weather or storms in our life are cooperating or not.

We must stop measuring ourselves based on if something is hard or challenging for us to withstand.

Because the water in our lives does not always cooperate.

Like any ocean a Captain’s got to face, we’ve got to expect that storms will come to our waters, both large and small.

At most, we can prepare.

And practice.

And set sail, once more.

And find a way to TRUST that we have it within us, to be strong enough to survive and weather any storm.

But, how?

How can we learn to trust the wisdom inside of ourselves?

 

We must MEASURE OUR PROGRESS!

When the storm pushes us x degrees south, west, or wherever, driving us off-course, did we correct?

Did we navigate ourselves, to get back on track?

How long did it take?

Were we better at recognizing our drift than the last time it happened?

Because THAT’s the progress we need to measure.

THAT’s what takes us from an inexperienced novice to a Great Captain.

 

Today, I invite us to reflect on that:

• In what ways are we unfairly judging ourselves based on the quality — the turbulence or serenity — of the surrounding sea (the environment in our lives), which is largely beyond our control?

• In what ways are we being accurate (or not) in our measurements?

• Do we employ accurate methods, to track our progress?

• Are we even looking at the measurements that matter?

• Or have we anchored ourselves somewhere far behind, because we’re afraid to even set sail?

 

We have to take the time to be still, and ask ourselves these questions.

Otherwise, the seas will whip us around, this way and that.

The roar of the ocean will drown out our thoughts and emotions.

And we’ll never get in touch with the Inner Compass, the one tool that can truly guide our minds and hearts to the precise coordinates we were born to reach.

In my mind’s eye, I can see the coastline already.

It’s the New World, where our greatest Dreams await.

I’m ready.

Are you?

Get on board. It’s time to set sail!

The Captain in me honors & respects the Captain in each of you,

Marisa

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

I hope you’ll join me as, together, we explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.

Just signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:

  • Enliven our emotions & creativity;

  • Enhance our efficiency & productivity;

  • Foster a greater depth of Self;

  • Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and, 

  • Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.

I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you, and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared!

It’s my goal to serve something greater than myself, and there’s nothing greater than helping others to end suffering in their Inner World. 

I wish I had had someone back in the day to help me.

And I love to create systems  — I’ve won awards for the ones I’ve created in my legal work  — and, believe me, I’m even more passionate about this!

So, join me and let’s create a like-minded community! Receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, get all the FREE goodies I’ve made, and signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We CAN do this, TOGETHER!

The light in me honors & respects the light in each of you,

Marisa

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Let’s go dancing! I’m celebrating my first 100 Followers!

Posted on by marisavictus

Let’s go dancing!

I’m celebrating my first 100 Followers

on Medium.com/@marisavictus

Here’s 3 Things I’ve Learned Since Joining Medium

Greetings, friends!

I can’t believe it. It’s been 59 days since I started my journey here on Medium and, after 12 posts, I’ve gained the 117 lovely Followers!

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate each and every one of you, for taking the time to read my stories and follow me!

To celebrate, I invite you to enjoy this groovy dance mix with me.  Really. I’m listening to it now as I hit publish.

Now, if you don’t know Flavor Trip — or the fact that I absolutely LOVE singing, playing piano, and shakin’ my booty, and I plan to bring all 3 to my creative platforms — get ready, because Flavor Trip’s an absolute blast to listen to, no matter what you’re doing.

In fact, I dare you to listen to them while washing dishes and not dance!

Click to Join the PARTY & dance with me!

Now that the music’s taken care of, what can I share?

Here’s 3 things I’ve learned since joining Medium:

1. There’s no need to stress!

I’ve deliberately decided not to worry about hitting x, y, or z milestone on any of my creative accounts (Medium, 🎯join my Substack!🎯, this website, or my soon-to-be launched YouTube Channel) because the more I realize I don’t know about these platforms, the more I relax into the realization that I am a Lifelong Learner, who’s willing to try new things.

In fact, this story’s got 2 new things I’ve never tried until today:

1) This story’s my first listicle, and

2) I used an animated gif in it and BONUS: I learned how to do it by reading a story from one of my favorite writers on Medium & Substack: Kristina God, MBA (Medium.com/@ kristinagod)! I highly recommend you follow her if you haven’t already!

This all goes to show that it’s the little steps, day by day, that matter.

We all have to start somewhere, and it helps to remind myself: There’s no need to rush because I have all the time in my life to figure it out.

I’m in it for the long-haul, for the experience and the growth.

I’m sure there will be tons of highs and lows, but no matter what I know I’ll learn something and gain a lot of friends on this amazingly fun journey.

2. The blogging format is so DIFFERENT

The content and writing style are so different from my legal and fiction writing — and I LOVE IT! It’s the conversational style, like talking to a friend, that appeals so much to me. And it makes me realize that, in a world that used to be so geographically defined, the vast space of online writing exposes us all to a world that’s unlimited, with no boundaries to restrict us. I read your words like they’re spoken face-to-face, and it’s exciting to see our words and stories having an impact on each other!

3. Finding the right creative community has been miraculous!

I realize now more than ever what it means to be surrounded by the right community, and to be able to see your thoughts and emotions reflected in others’.

You see, as I mentioned in these posts (Pit Bull Partner #1 and Pit Bull Partner #2), the few times I’ve tried to talk about my creative writing, it’s fallen flat.

Being a Creative just isn’t welcomed in my legal life.

And, the few times I’ve tried to talk about writing with my friends, it’s bombed, too. One friend even shrieked, “Oh, I hate writing!” That ended that conversation real quick!

Needless to say, these experiences left me feeling defeated and alone, like I didn’t have a single soul to share my creative excitement with.

It didn’t stop me from writing — I’m working on my 4th book in a fiction series right now — but, writing is such a solitary endeavor, and it felt a bit odd, to be surrounded by so many people who just didn’t “get me.”

Thanks to you, that’s all changed since I found Medium & I learned that many Medium writers are also on Substack!

There are so many talented writers and avid readers, and the community’s amazingly kind, supportive, and welcoming.

I’m so glad I didn’t give up and kept looking for the right community. I only wish I had found you sooner.

I’m preparing some fun free goodies for my Followers,

and I hope to have them ready for you to download soon.

Thanks again, and I look forward to enjoying more of your stories!

🎉The Creative in me honors & respects the Creative in each of you.🎉

Now, go get your groove on!

Marisa

💃🏻❤️💃🏻❤️💃🏻❤️💃🏻

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

How Meditation & Migraines Taught Me To Build a Secure Attachment to MYSELF

Posted on by marisavictus

How Meditation & Migraines Taught Me To Build a Secure Attachment To MYSELF

The VICTUS Method MAXIMIZES the Healing Power of Words

In one of my first stories on Medium, I made the bold statement that we can vanquish our Limiting Beliefs with words:

As an Author and Attorney, I believe and trust wholeheartedly in the power of words. Words have the power to shape the mind, to birth revolutionary ideas, and to change the world.

On the micro, they can express love, belonging, and camaraderie; or, they can forcefully shun, ostracize, and reject.

On the macro, they shape the very constructs of society, defining precisely who deserves to have rights and protection, and those who do not.

In other words (pun intended), the way in which we wield our words can transform them into our armor, shield, or blade.

That’s why WORDS are our greatest weapon; they’re the ammo that can stop Limiting Beliefs before they gain momentum, before they become Wraiths.

Words can blow the smoke out of our eyes, to clear our vision and see each and every Wraith for what it truly is: JUST A THOUGHT!

Yes, WORDS are that powerful!

And it’s equally important to remind ourselves that…

WORDS are the most precise Tool we have to SHAPE OUR MINDS, to adopt new EMPOWERING Beliefs!

Whether heard, spoken, or written, WORDS are the basis for many of the neural pathways that we repeatedly fire and wire together in our brains.

The more we think a particular pattern of words (a thought), the more we fire and wire together that neural circuit; and, the more easily our brains will fire that pattern again and again as a new Habit Loop.

The effect compounds for every thought and, when we repeat our Habit Loops enough times, we go from THINKING, to DOING, to BEING a new person.

This is why the VICTUS Method focuses on the THINK-DO-BE practice, to deliberately choose our words wisely, so we can create thoughts, Habit Loops, and behaviors that are as empowering as possible.

To do this in a sustainable way, we’ve got to cheer ourselves on!

We must encourage ourselves to take action, no matter how small. 

We just need to focus on taking the “next right step.” 

That’s how we can go from someone who merely thinks, to someone who’s willing to do, to someone who’s done it so often, we can literally BE that person  — precisely the person we have chosen to be!

But, what do you do when you’re suffering and you’re caught in a loop of painful thoughts that, it seems, you cannot escape?

 

In the THINK-DO-BE Framework where Thoughts are the foundation, Mindfulness Is the Way.

In many ways, my life has been hard, but I wouldn’t have been able to overcome my big T Trauma and little t traumas without the benefit of Mindfulness.

And when it comes to that, I’m very lucky. I was raised from a young age to meditate.

I started by learning how to meditate with my eyes closed. Then, I began to meditate with my eyes open, following a pattern of hand movements that trained me to maintain a heightened sense of mind-body connection, in addition to breath awareness. And, over the years, I have practiced other types of meditation, like walking meditation, as well.

But, what really impacted me the most was when I began to practice meditation no matter what I was doing.

Yes, that’s right. You do not have to restrict meditation to sitting quietly while seated in a lotus position, or in any other practice where you purposely set aside time “just to meditate.”

You can meditate while you’re doing anything!

It’s funny, now that I think about it. I don’t actually recall the precise time I started doing this. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that I cannot remember the first time anymore. It’s sort of become second-nature to me, I guess.

Whether I’m working, exercising, creating art, writing, or just doing chores around the house, I just find myself very focused on being aware of what I am doing.

More than that, I am very focused on what I am thinking.

I notice when my thoughts drift to other things, like:

• my to-do list, which is always increasing;

• my stress, which increases as my to-do list piles up;

• what I’ve got planned for work;

• what I’ve got planned for fun and family; and,

• what I’ve decided to do, for my favorite creative activities.

There’s just so much to keep track of.

Whenever those thoughts pop into my head, which they inevitably do — mindfulness doesn’t stop you from thinking or being human, after all! —  I remind myself to “just focus on this,” and hone into whatever I’m doing at the moment.

Of course, this doesn’t always work. That’s just how thoughts behave!

So, I watch them like clouds passing by.

I reassure myself, “There’s plenty of time to get that other thing done,” and I gently return my focus back to the task at hand.

Part of this is just so I can do a better job at whatever I’m trying to do.
• Because the task demands my full attention.
• Because focusing on “just doing this” is way more relaxing.
• Because it’s harder for your mind and body to focus when your Nervous System is stuck in a Sympathetic “fight-or-flight” mode.

I’m able to do it because I’ve trained myself to re-focus on my breath during meditation. 
• Refocusing myself to stay on-task is exactly the same skill.

But, I’m just like anyone else. Stress can get the best of me and, if I forget to be mindful, or if I allow my stress or a Limiting Belief to take hold, I pay for it.

The Body Keeps The Score, and My Body Sometimes Derails Me

I can still remember the first time I got a migraine. I was in high school, taking a bunch of AP Exams and, after my last one for the day, I got a strange tingly feeling down my left side.

I felt a tightness in my left trapezius muscle. My left arm went completely numb, and the numbness traveled all the way up to my mouth. I won’t go into all the specifics now but, as a 16-year-old kid, it was beyond frightening.

Luckily, my Dad’s a doctor, as are the vast majority of people in my extended family, so I didn’t have to go far to get answers.

After seeing multiple specialists over the years, I’ve learned that I don’t get your run-of-the-mill migraines. They’re far, far from your standard headache and, among the spectrum of migraine types, mine are especially bad. So bad they have their own distinct diagnosis.

So how do I deal?

Most of the time, doctors recommended that I take preventative medication. While I’m willing to take a Motrin or two, I chose not to take anything as a long-term preventative because they can harm, instead of help you, and stopping the medication can also prompt migraines, as well.

Instead, over the years, I’ve taken a holistic approach, to develop my own health & wellness routine to lower my stress and do many types of self-care to maximize my fitness and food choices to prevent migraines or lessen their severity when they occur.

It’s taken years and a lot of experimentation, but I’m happy to report that I rarely get migraines anymore and, if I ever do, I am able to stop them almost entirely as soon as I sense them starting.

So what’s my secret?

As hard to believe as it may sound…

 

The Mindful Awareness that I’ve gained from Meditation is the Most Important Treatment for Me

The reason why I am able to prevent migraines completely, or stop them from progressing into something that would normally derail my day or even week, is simple: Meditation.

It’s the mindful awareness of my body and my emotions that’s allowed me to pay close enough attention to realize when my stress is getting too high, my breathing’s too shallow, or I feel a twinge in my trap muscles.

And if the pain’s started to throb on the left side of my head, it’s the meditation’s deep breathing that allows me to lessen the pain, slowly but steadily.

Most important of all — meditation allows me to handle my emotions during a migraine.

For some migraine sufferers like me, the pain isn’t even the worst part. The turbulent emotions are:

• The anxiety when the pain seems to never end.

• The fear that I’ll fall behind and take too long to recover.

• The ruminating thoughts that kick in full-force and refuse to shut up.

At its worst, it’s like having a waking nightmare that you can’t escape for hours, until the migraine’s completely run its course.

In fact, in the first few years after getting them, the emotional turmoil and aftermath of migraines became one of my most threatening Limiting Beliefs because — unlike other Limiting Beliefs that lack evidence to support them — there was ample proof that I couldn’t ignore: Migraines were dreadfully painful, disorienting, and draining, both physically and emotionally; and, I felt even worse because I thought I had no control over them.

Not anymore!

Mindful Self-Awareness Helped Me to Build A Secure-Attachment to Me, and That Saves Me Every Time

In this post, I described the four Attachment Styles we can develop with other people in our lives, and I explained why and how it’s so important to build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF.

My migraines taught me that, too.

Because no one else — no matter how much they love you — can help you when a migraine comes.

And, no medicine is guaranteed to work. Not immediately and maybe not at all.

The only person you can truly rely on when you have a migraine is yourself.

In my case, I have to coax myself out of the anxious, ruminating thoughts, and then help myself cope with the horrendous, debilitating pain until it passes.

Most surprising of all, I found a way to prevent the migraines from coming or vastly lessen their severity:

I use Better Words to THINK Better Thoughts.

The Healing Power of Words

We’re coming full circle now, back to where I started this post: to the power of WORDS.

A few simple words have literally changed MY LIFE: my brain, my body, and my heart.

By just noticing and practicing mindful awareness of my body, my stress levels, and my emotions, I can implement greater self-care using the protocol that I’ve found works best for me, as soon as I question if a migraine might be coming.

It’s a practice I return to, again and again.

Just last week, I woke up and could already tell my head hadn’t been supported by my pillow, because my neck felt stiff and there was that nasty knot in my left trap again. Then the pulsing punch as my head began to throb.

Back in the day, feeling these sensations in my body would’ve immediately made me anxious. And the thoughts would’ve begun to swirl: I have so much work to do! I have so many deadlines to meet! How can this be happening on today of all days?

But, that’s NOT what happened. Because I knew precisely what to do.

For work, I had already written most of what I’d needed to. I work well in advance for just this potential predicament. Getting things off my desk or as polished as possible, as quickly as possible, has always helped me to lower my overall stress.   

For my emotions, I knew what to tell myself:

  • “I know what to do.”

  • “I can handle this.”

  • “I’ve made migraines stop many times.”

  • “I will follow my routine.”

  • “I will be extra patient with myself.”

And I gave myself some much-needed self-care:

  • I took a hot shower, which always helps to ease the pain in my head.

  • I gave myself more time away from screens, so my eyes could rest.

  • I practiced closed-eye meditation to activate my Parasympathetic System, to lessen the risk of any fight-or-flight anxiety, and activate my “rest-and-digest” relaxation mode.

  • I practiced deep, diaphragmatic breathing throughout the day.

  • And, whenever I felt like I wasn’t doing enough or being as productive as I had originally planned to be, I told myself,

  • “You don’t need to do more work; you need to do more rest.”

  • “You are enough as you are.”

  • “You are worthy.”

  • “You deserve to take time for yourself.”

  • “You can gain time by giving time — to yourself.”

  • “Self-care is self-love.”

To some people, these simple words and practices may not sound like much but, to me, they make a world of difference.

Instead of derailing my entire day, I managed to avoid any of the numbness or pain. And, after taking time for myself, I ended up making a lot more progress in my work. I also solved a tech issue I’d been facing for weeks. And, I planned a healthy dinner and enjoyed a wonderful, relaxing evening with my family.

That beats resting for hours in a dark room with a big mask on, vigorously massaging my head, crying and wishing that the damn pain would just stop.

It’s literally the deliverance of a full day of LIFE I got to live, with my mind intact, my soul nurtured, and my body whole.

That is truly a blessing!

No day is promised to any of us, and I don’t take that for granted one bit.

Now, doesn’t that make you wonder…

If EMPOWERING Words can rescue you from a body in crisis, in what ways can they empower the very BEST in you?

I fully intend to find out and (in addition to my stories on Medium), my new Substack Newsletter will do just that.

I hope you’ll join me as, together, we explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:

  • Enliven our emotions & creativity;

  • Enhance our efficiency & productivity;

  • Foster a greater depth of Self;

  • Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and, 

  • Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.

I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you, and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared!

It’s my goal to serve something greater than myself, and there’s nothing greater than helping others to end suffering in their Inner World. 

I wish I had had someone back in the day to help me.

And I love to create systems  — I’ve won awards for the ones I’ve created in my legal work  — and, believe me, I’m even more passionate about this!

So, join me and let’s create a like-minded community! Receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, get all the FREE goodies I’ve made, and signup for my Substack Newsletter here.

We CAN do this, TOGETHER!

The light in me honors & respects the light in each of you,

Marisa

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Grow Your Garden of Ideas

Posted on by marisavictus

Grow Your Garden of Ideas

The VICTUS Method: plant & grow the unique dreams inside of you.

Turn the plant one-quarter everyday so it will grow evenly and not lean toward the sun.

That’s what the printed instructions said, for my new pink & blue hyacinths.

It got me thinking about how similar we are to the bulbs that contain all of the magic that’s required to grow straight, into the beautiful flowers they’re meant to be.

But, much like the bulbs that have blossomed so gloriously on my desk, we need to tend to and care for ourselves, lest we grow crooked. We need to nurture ourselves in just the right way.

1. Environment matters

Are we planted in the right soil? With the proper amount of nutrients available to nurture our roots?

Or, are we planted in the wrong setting. An impenetrable concrete slab’s never going to establish any roots.

2. Nourishment matters

We need to nourish ourselves with the right nutrients.

We must water our minds with proper thoughts. Our thoughts should enliven us and invigorate us to generate the life-sustaining energy that we need.

And the thoughts that cast a shadow mustn’t darken the sky for too long.

Self-awareness, then, is required; we have to realize how and when we’re getting too much, to balance what we need.

3. Loving-Care matters

Do we rotate ourselves — on a daily basis — to do the activities that spark joy and ensure that we grow straight, the way we’re meant to be?

Or, have we denied ourselves that “luxury”?

Have we turned the wrong way, focusing too much on one thing to the exclusion of others, to the point that we’ve grown lopsided and imbalanced, a mere echo of what nature — our Inner Self — wants us to be?

We are more like plants than we realize.

Inside each of us are the seeds for so many ideas, seeds that, when planted and cared for properly, have the capacity to grow into the most beautiful flower or the most magnificent tree.

Do we make an effort to plant them, to let our dreams sprout?

Or, are we holding on too tightly to the seeds that are buried deep inside each of us?

We might look over at our neighbors and see the garden of their dreams. So many vibrant flowers and plants and trees that have taken root and are busy sprouting.

Meanwhile, we hold on tightly to our packet of seeds. All of the ideas we have hidden away somewhere deep in our mind.

What’s stopping us?

We’re too afraid to sow them. We tell ourselves, “Another day,” but that day never comes.

We just tend to maybe one or two of the plants we planted so many seasons ago and, as they’ve taken off and grown up toward the sky, we whisper longingly at the seeds, “It’s ok.” To placate them, as if it really were okay, to ignore the magnificent beauty that stays dormant inside each of us.

Imagine what a beautiful garden we could have, if the world were filled with people unafraid, to plant the seeds in their hearts, to grow into who they were truly meant to be.

If you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

— Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

FLIP THE SCRIPT: How Better Words Transformed My Mornings & Workout Routine

Posted on by marisavictus

FLIP THE SCRIPT:

How Better Words Transformed My Mornings & Workout Routine

Today, I’d like to introduce a new type of story to my repertoire: Flip the Script.

“Flipping the Script” is when I take a belief that’s usually limiting and flip it around so it’s constructive.

For example, in yesterday’s post, I described how I wanted to prioritize my creative pursuits, but when I took the time to examine my Calendar, I immediately thought “I’m too busy,” and “I just don’t have time.”

I couldn’t “Flip the Script” to suddenly say “I’m not busy,” because that wouldn’t be true.

So instead of “I don’t have the time,” I flipped it:

I created the time by promising to go to bed earlier, so I could wake up at 5am to do my Creative Writing.

Even though I initially hated it, it’s turned into my cherished morning routine.

I mean that. Sincerely.

I changed from someone who loved to sleep in and lazy around for an hour on the weekend, to someone who’s happy to bounce up out of bed.

Seriously. I don’t even have to set an alarm!

I don’t say that to brag. I say it because I never, EVER, thought I’d get to call myself a “Morning Person.”

So what’s my secret?

I’m sure on some level, the coffee machine’s played a significant role, but, more than that…

I attribute just 1 “Flip the Script” to my success:

“I don’t have time.” ➡️FLIPPED TO➡️ “This time is just for me.”

The first time I tried it, I could barely sit up in bed. I’d gotten to bed far later than I’d planned and it felt (and I probably looked) like Hell just to raise my head up off the pillow.

But, I refused to slip back into my dreams, because I had another dream: to prioritize my Creative Writing. I’d promised myself do it, even a little.

Every. Single. Day.

So with a rub of the eyes and a groggy tilt of the head, the thought suddenly popped into my head, “This time is just for me,” and I forced myself to get up.

No need to make the bed. There was little time as it was to get this done before I’d have to get ready for work.

The next morning, I repeated it. “This time is just for me.”

Then at night, I told myself, “Tomorrow, 5am. That time is just for me.”

By the end of the week, I had a new daily ritual: the night time reminder, repeated as my little morning wakeup call.

That’s all it took.

How could 6 words hold so much power?

I was mystified by it myself.

Later, I came to realize it’s because of the wording. It’s like some hidden part of me just knew what I need to hear: that I was doing it just for me.

And somehow that transformed what could’ve been construed as LESS — less time to sleep, more time I could’ve felt like I was spread too thin — and transformed it into MORE:

More time to be creative.

More time to write something that wasn’t for my job.

More time to see myself as an individual, not just someone who gave everything to my family all of the time.

Yes, giving myself time to do something just for me, is what gave it so much power. It boosted my sense of agency.

And, as the days passed, it felt like a gift I was giving myself.

Time for me to think and reflect and write and explore my creativity.

And the more I did, the more momentum I gained, until I didn’t need to say my mantra anymore.

My ideas took shape and my characters came to life. Each with their own strengths and weaknesses and idiosyncrasies, and they began to visit me at all hours of the day. What adventure would they go on next? What obstacles would they have to overcome?

My brain always seemed to be listening and one book became two, then three, and now four.

But, I haven’t forgotten the magic.

The words — “This time is just for me” — continue to work like a charm.

Now I use them at the gym, every time I go. Every time I don’t feel like it, the words whisper to me and, before I know it, I’m on my way, opening the gym door.

What about you?

Do you ever say, “This time is just for me”?

 

If you enjoyed this post, please give me a Clap & Follow on Medium.com! 

And if you want to receive my posts as soon as they’re posted, sign up for my  Newsletter here. Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted, and other fun goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER: How To Build a Secure Attachment To YOURSELF with The VICTUS Method

Posted on by marisavictus

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER:

How To Build a Secure Attachment To YOURSELF with The. VICTUS Method

In yesterday’s post, I described how I accidentally overheard Mr. Pit Bull Partner laughing with the other Partners at a junior Associates’ expense, and it lifted the veil.

It forced me to learn an important lesson:

When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for. 

I couldn’t ignore it.

Sometimes, when the truth smacks you in the face, there’s no going back.

Before the sound of the Partners’ laughing had even died down, I’d already decided:

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I decided then and there that I would make all my creative pursuits the priority in my life, from that moment forward.

I stopped suppressing who I was and, from that day since, I’ve been doing all the things I used to deny myself:

• Creative Writing — I’ve written 3 books and the 4th is on its way.

• Music — singing & piano.

• Artwork — traditional & digital.

• Dance — whenever the mood strikes, which is often.

How this ONE Decision — To Prioritize My Creativity — Drastically Changed My Life & Made Me a Million Times Happier

Why did my happiness increase?

You might think it’s simply because I love to write creatively (Creative Writing), I love to sing and play piano (Music), I love to do traditional & digital painting (Artwork), and I love to shake my booty (Dance).

They’re all activities that make me happy.

I did more things that make me happy.

Therefore, I am happier.

If that’s what you thought, you’re right, BUT…

You’re Missing The Big Picture.

Remember this post, where I described the 4 Attachment Styles and explained that if you’ve got a Non-Secure Attachment Style from your childhood, you CAN still change your Attachment Style in these two ways?

1. By improving our ability to regulate our own emotions by ourselves (self-regulation), and

2. By improving our ability to regulate our emotions in concert with others (co-regulation).

Well, what I happened to overhear Mr. Pit Bull say is a perfect example of these two paths a person can take.

First, let’s break it down.

The problem = Working for Assholes feels shitty.

Second, let’s examine how I could’ve approached the solution:

On the one-hand, I could have looked outward, to other people to help me “fix” the problem.

But, was that even possible, given the circumstances?

• Context

= Where was I, when the truth slapped me in the face?

@ my law firm job.

• Control

= Could I change the Partner who’d made the mean-spirited remark? No. Mr. Pitbull’s on his 4th wife. If these women can’t change him, no one can.

• Power/Influence

= Could I change all the Partners’ minds, and get them to see the error of their ways?

No. As I said in my linked story, Mr. Pit Bull Partner was the most tenured and experienced among them, and all of the Partners looked to him as their Messiah, I mean, Leader. So, he obviously set the tone for the entire firm, and he’d continue to do so.

Analyzed this way, we can see I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I couldn’t just rage-quit, shake my fist in the air, and make some inspirational speech about how “I’m standing up for all of the junior Attorneys! Don’t laugh at our expense! Don’t revel in our debt! We work for you, but we’re not inconsequential cogs in your stupid wheel!”

Doing that wouldn’t serve my needs (a job and paycheck).

It’d likely result in some sort of terrible retaliation from Mr. Pit Bull. (I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s got a playbook for blacklisting anyone who wrongs him because, trust me, I’ve seen him do very petty things simply because someone offends his precious ego).

And, let’s face it, there’s a terrible imbalance of power involved here.

So what’s the point, Marisa?

Sometimes, trying to co-regulate with other people is NOT what you should do.

No matter how much you WANT to make a situation better, sometimes you simply CANNOT turn to other people to do it.

And, yet…

How often do we try to convince or cajole or influence or — worse — beg other people to make the situation better?

You see it all the time:

• It’s the guy who’s clearly “Not That Into You,” but your best friend keeps chasing after him.

• It’s the girl who’s being ostracized by the top Mean Girl in college, so she tries even harder to wear what they’re all wearing to “fit in.”

• It’s the guy who’s trying to be “one of the boys” so he pretends he’s into sports and not poetry, even though poetry’s what he’s secretly writing.

• And, yes, it’s the little girl or little boy inside all of us, who:

• tries even harder to placate their parent(s), just so that they can feel “loved”;

•  or, picks a partner who just-so-happens to be like their parent(s), so that they can “fix” the parental relationship, this time around, as adults with their chosen boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse.

NO!

Sometimes, the solution is to NOT do that.

Sometimes, the solution is to just STOP TRYING to win other people over.

Because, you know what?

They don’t deserve you anyway!

They don’t see your value!

They don’t truly love you or even care about you!

In my situation with the Partner, the bottom line was, I couldn’t fix the bad feelings — the Ick — I felt compelled to escape by turning to any other person in that firm.

And, yet, I found THE PATH to 10x my happiness — not weeks or months or even days later.

I 10x’d my happiness IMMEDIATELY.

How?

The VICTUS Method Focuses on WINNING YOURSELF OVER: “THINK-DO-BE” is the practice I used to Self-Regulate My Emotions

(1) THINK

By making the singular decision to CHANGE MY MIND, I CHANGED MY EMOTIONS.

I simply thought, “No, they’re not going to force me to give them all of my time and energy anymore.”

And, by doing that, I immediately TOOK CONTROL.

I increased the sense of AGENCY I felt over my own life.

That immediately erased the negative feelings of anxiety, powerlessness, and hopelessness I had felt.

And replaced it with positive feelings of power, control, security, hope, and TRUST that I could be there for myself.

This is key to regulating your own emotions BY YOURSELF.

But, that’s just part of the self-regulation process.

(2) DO

You must also take it 1 step further: by TAKING ACTION.

I took the time to examine my Calendar and, even though I immediately thought “I’m too busy,” and “I just don’t have time,” I ignored those thoughts and CREATED the time anyway:

I told myself I’d wake up at 5am to do my Creative Writing.

I refused to give myself any excuses.

(3) BE

Then, I took the final step: by taking MORE ACTION.

I started doing it. Waking up at 5am even though I initially dreaded it.

Hated it.

Did it anyway.

And every single time I did it, it counted as a rep.

Not just a rep for writing.

Not just a rep for my now-beloved-Morning-Routine.

But a rep for the 1 MESSAGE that matters the absolute MOST:

     “YOU MATTER.”

— The VICTUS Method

Every single time you do any task that you want, that you choose, because YOU gave yourself permission to do it, you entrain your brain to see your own self-worth.

You prioritize yourself. You show yourself, “YOU MATTER.”

And that’s no trivial thing.

It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

The more you repeat this THINK-DO-BE practice;

the more easily you can self-regulate your emotions;

the faster you can achieve a Secure Attachment to YOURSELF!

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

— Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Break Free: How You Spend Your Time Dictates Who You Are

Posted on by marisavictus

Break Free: How You Spend Your Time Dictates Who You Are

The VICTUS Method Taught Me to Accept Myself

Growing up, I had so many creative interests: dance, art, music (singing and piano), and, my first love (writing).

I’d get lost doing these things for hours.

But it all came to a halt when I reached high school.

The pressure to do well in school and get into the college of my choice meant that more and more of my time was spent studying.

I remember missing everything I loved to do and feeling like a shadow of who I really was.

But, I kept batting away those feelings because all the outside voices were telling me to prioritize my studies above all else.

What’s more, I lacked friends who could understand because most of them were involved in team sports. The number of meets and tournaments had increased for them and they had everyone’s full support. After all, many students gain entry and scholarships to college that way.

How different it could be if creative pursuits were treated the same way! It just wasn’t the case.

So, I kept suppressing the urge to do what sparked joy in my life. And, predictably, the more I didn’t do what I longed to do, the more depressed I became.

Here’s the worst part, though:

It took me years to get back to my true, Creative Self.

Sure, I painted from time to time. I joined a weekly singing group. And, every once in a while, I played around on my digital piano.

But, I never allowed myself to dive wholeheartedly into the things that brought me true joy.

Worse, I felt like I had to hide it.

No, I knew I had to hide it. Because being a Creative wasn’t welcomed in my professional life.

The few times I tried to share my interests at work, it was frowned upon.

Like I wasn’t serious enough. I had better things to do, like surpass my billable hours requirement or take on more and more responsibilities.

I must not be working hard enough if I wasn’t more sleep deprived. If I wasn’t worked to the bone.

For a long time, I accepted this. And I shifted not only my writing style, but also my personality.

I went from a mostly introverted, sometimes shy person, to an extraverted-when-I-have-to-be Ambivert.

My dream of writing creative works as a Novelist switched to legal writing and oral advocacy as an Attorney.

For a long time, it worked.

But, success can sometimes be a trap.

Especially when money’s tied to it. The financial reward makes it far easier to overlook what’s happening — inside.

Problem is: the body keeps the score.

And I never felt at ease. I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Stress was always there, boiling just under the surface. Until it boiled over — often, in searing migraines.

So, I upped my self-care. More meditation. More journaling. More yoga and other exercise. More healthy eating.

Why, then, wasn’t it working?

Why did my life still feel wrong?

Over time, the crux of the problem revealed itself.

And, no, it wasn’t me.

The problem was the environment.

I was surrounded by people who were simply not like me.

Like one Partner in particular.

I wish I could say he was one of a kind, grumbling disdainfully in the corner, where everyone chose to ignore his mean-spirited vindictiveness.

But, no, he was the Pit-Bull Partner with the most tenure and litigation experience. The other Partners all looked to him to lead the way and, boy, did he set the tone.

Could I just ignore it? Just keep my head down? Yes, for a time, I could focus on what I genuinely enjoyed about legal work.

But then came the day I realized what I was up against: These were people who reacted with glee when they’d heard one of the junior attorneys was mired in debt.

I could hear Mr. Pit-Bull announcing it for the rest of them to hear. “Educational Debt” or, he said with a laugh, “Credit Card Debt’s even better!” Wherever the debt came from, it didn’t matter. Let it be so for all the junior Attorneys. “It’s better for us!” he guffawed. All that mattered was that these worker bees were so far up to their eyeballs in debt, they’d remain chained to their jobs, willing to bleed themselves dry, to ensure they’d just get paid.

What a harsh truth to overhear, to know that the people you’re supposed to look up to, the people you’re supposed to want to become, are actually strategizing about junior Attorneys like that.

I wished I hadn’t heard it. But it was unavoidable. (This Partner absolutely loves to hear himself talk, and makes sure his voice is booming so everyone around him can hear.) 

Even so, it was jarring to hear his scheming and laughing, followed by raucous cheers from the other Partners, who seemed to admire his Don’t-Give-a-Shit Attitude for saying it so brazenly, out-loud.

I felt The Ick.

It was the first time (but far from the last time), I’d been exposed to behavior like that.

I wasn’t naive. Most people aren’t. The majority of us know what being cogs in a machine can mean.

But, understanding it theoretically, from a distance, can feel quite different from being confronted with it, face-to-face.

And I got the lesson, loud and clear: When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for. 

That was that.

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I stopped being willing to compromise my health.

I stopped trading my time more than I had to.

I decided to make creativity a priority in my life.

I stopped suppressing who I was.

I found ways to inject creativity into my days.

It wasn’t easy.

I went from being someone who loved to sleep in, to someone who woke up without an alarm to do my Creative Writing at 5am every day. And while I can’t say I’m as far as I’d like to be when it comes to Marketing, I have written 3 books and the 4th is on its way.

These aren’t just metrics.

I feel it. My happiness increased significantly, the more agency I gave to myself.

And, I didn’t stop there.

I let Creative Writing spill into my legal work. With briefs and pleadings, I conserved my energy; there’s not much you can do with the dryer parts. But summarizing facts? Those were golden opportunities to let my Creative Self shine. I told myself, “Facts are facts,” but I looked forward to the art and craft of telling my clients’ stories. I found a way to make my legal work fun to write and, as Partners and judges say, fun to read. It translates to wins.

Not just at work.

At life.

You don’t have to be at the mercy of what others want to decide for you.

You can find a way to curate a life that works, based on what YOU want to do.

It may require sacrifice. Sometimes the progress you make doesn’t take you that far. And it may take a long time to monetize.

But it’s worth it.

To let yourself be who you actually are.

For me, the process never seems to end but, little by little, I’m doing it: injecting more creativity into my hours, my days, my weeks.

Even when I don’t feel like it.

Even when it’s something new I’ve never learned, and I feel uneasy and afraid.

I’m doing it anyway.

• This January, I started writing on Medium.

• I started a Newsletter.

• And I’m planning to create videos, too.

And, with each small step I’m taking, I feel a little more hope.

And comfort, in the knowledge that I’m not alone. There are so many Creatives here, and that’s exciting! To see all these people who refuse to lose sight of their honest, authentic Self.

Not getting paid to write yet?

Who cares, doing it anyway!

Want to be a poet, but you’re a Banker?

Who cares, writing poems anyway!

Artist working two jobs?

Who cares, posting on Instagram anyway!

It makes me happy.

To know I didn’t stop looking.

I’ve found the right environment.

And I’m no longer making the same mistake:

I’ve stopped trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

It feels damn good.

To feel free.

To be me.

Are You Taking Time to BE True To Who You Are?

I hope so.

If not, don’t wait.

Calendar a specific time, to do what YOU want to do.

Because there’s nothing wrong with being who you are.

Being true to yourself is the most important thing you will ever do.

— The VICTUS Method

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted, plus all of the extra goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

— Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

It Starts & Ends with YOU: Why You Need to Build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF

Posted on by marisavictus

It Starts & Ends with YOU: Why You Need to Build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF

10x Your Peace With The VICTUS Method: How to Reconnect with Your Inner Self

In my last two posts (How to Be Happy When Who You Are Is NOT Who You Are Meant To Be, and Whose Mountain Are You Climbing Anyway?), I focused on the way our Self fractures when we silence our own dreams, wants, and desires to meet the expectations that others have set for us.

One of the primary goals of the VICTUS Method is to repair that separation, so that we can unify the separate parts of our Self and bring synergy to everything we do, in all areas of our life.

Sound good?

Let’s go!

To begin our journey, we have to look back on our childhood. After all that’s when it all began, when we first learned to look to others to define our relationship with the world and, ultimately, to our Self.

 

The Science of Attachment Theory

Based on the research of Harry Harlow, John Bowlby, and Mary Ainsworth, there are 4 Attachment Styles that we can develop with our primary caregivers during childhood:

1. Secure Attachment Style (Type B)

People with a Secure Attachment Style are confident that their needs will be met. As infants and children, they expressed their need for food, physical care, and emotional connection and their caregivers were highly responsive and helped them to regulate their emotions (“co-regulation”).

Adults with Secure Attachment Style are usually:

  • Confident

  • Assertive

  • Open to trying new things, usually with a Growth Mindset

  • Willing to ask others for help

  • See others as a potential source of support

  • Have healthy boundaries with others

  • Are able to regulate their emotions and express their feelings well

2. Insecure Avoidant Attachment Style (Type A)

People with an Insecure Attachment Style are not confident that their needs will be met because their caregivers were not responsive or they were inconsistently responsive.

Adults with Insecure Attachment Style may:

  • Appear more withdrawn, like a “loner”

  • Be more independent and/or have difficulty making friends

  • Be less willing to ask for help

  • See others as unable or unwilling to meet their needs

  • Have anxiety about losing relationships

  • Have anxiety about potential or perceived rejection

  • Avoid close relationships

  • Have difficulty expressing their feelings

  • Be unable to identify how they’re feeling

  • Feel discomfort with intimacy

  • Avoid situations that feel uncomfortable or involve potential conflict

  • Have a negative self-image

  • Have low self-esteem

  • Distrust others

3. Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style (Type C)

People with an Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style are not confident that their needs will be met because their caregivers were sometimes responsive, sometimes not, which might cause them to become ambivalent; they want intimacy, but are anxious or scared that they will be rejected and lose the person they care about. This can result in behaviors that seem needy, manipulative, and/or dismissive of others. 

Adults with Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment Style may:

  • Appear to be insecure, preoccupied, and/or anxious

  • Struggle to explore new situations or relationships

  • Seek more reassurance about their work or relationship status

  • React strongly to others’ perceived rejection

  • May be labeled “too sensitive”

  • May over-personalize other people’s behavior when it’s not about them

  • Exhibit clingy behavior

  • Reject you before you can reject them

4. Disorganized

People with Disorganized Attachment Style often view their present-day relationships as if they’re an opportunity to solve past traumas.

People with Disorganized Attachment Style may:

  • Suffer from anxiety, depression, and/or post-traumatic stress disorder

  • Use drugs, alcohol, or other maladaptive behaviors to distance or disconnect themselves from the painful feelings they experience

  • May be aggressive, abusive, and/or manipulative

  • May display highly explosive anger

  • May “stir the pot” and engage in gossip and/or mean-spirited, bullying behavior

  • May be highly triggered in their current life because they feel like they are re-living past abuse or past trauma

 

Who Are You?

Which Attachment Style do you have?

Are you on the spectrum of securely attached behaviors, or do you exhibit some maladaptive ones?

No matter which Attachment Style you have, there’s hope.

Your Attachment Style CAN Change

While we may develop a particular Attachment Style with our primary caregivers throughout our childhood, we can change our Attachment Style, depending on the quality and consistency of our relationships throughout our lives.

This is fantastic news!

It proves that we can and do change, depending on our ability to regulate our own emotions (by ourselves) and in concert with others (co-regulation).

So, the solution is two-fold:

  1. We need to improve our co-regulation.

  2. We need to improve our self-regulation.

In future posts, I will discuss co-regulation in-depth, but for the purposes of this post, I want to focus on self-regulation.

 

Why? Because We’re Over-Focusing On Other People

The entire premise of Attachment Theory is that our relationships with other people shapes how we perceive and interact with others throughout our lives.

Other people are therefore the focal point.

And that’s the problem: When we over-focus on other people, it leads us far off the path we genuinely wish to take.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Other people can be part of the problem, but other people do not have to be our only solution.

 

The VICTUS Method Focuses Inward, Rather than Outward: You Can Re-Parent Yourself

Our relationship with our Self is the most enduring relationship that we will ever have throughout our entire lives.

And we cannot expect other people to be there for us in every situation.

Even the most Securely Attached caregiver is human. They have their own limitations and hardships to overcome in their own lives, and that impacts their ability to be there for us.

The one constant that we can control is our ability to be there for our Self.

Do not wait to nurture such an important relationship.

Start. Now.

 

To Achieve Synergy of Self, You Must Develop a Secure Attachment to YOU

That’s why, in nearly every post I’ve made about the VICTUS Method, I’ve reiterated this principle:

YOU are the Expert at being You. No one else.

— The VICTUS Method

This also means,

YOU are responsible for you.

You are responsible for understanding:

• who you are: know your strengths and weaknesses.

• what you need: know what you need to feel safe, loved, and at peace.

• what you want to achieve: know your hopes, goals, and dreams.

• what you should learn, the skills you must practice, to strive and succeed.

When you truly understand and accept that these are your responsibility, you can become who you want to be.

— The VICTUS Method

Many things have happened and will continue to happen to us in ways that are beyond our control.

But, when we accept responsibility for our Self, we are at our most powerful because we don’t have to look in so many different directions, to find other people who can “save us.” Instead, we can trust that whatever comes our way, we can be there for ourselves in the best, most loving way possible.

We do it by listening to our inner wisdom, that part of us that knows intuitively what we need.

And, like a caregiver who’s attuned to his or her child, we can and should be attuned to our own physical and emotional needs.

We can re-parent ourselves.

 

It’s never too late to start.

That’s why, in my next posts, we’ll begin the exercises I have planned to take us on an experimental journey of self-exploration, so we can reflect on what we truly need, both physically and emotionally, to become Securely Attached to our Self.

These easy, fun, and creative practices will allow you to:

  • Build new neural circuitry to see yourself as your own “best friend” or “parent,” depending on which wording is more healing for you;

  • Regulate your nervous system so that you can feel safe to feel all your emotions, whether “good” or “bad,” so that all emotions are welcome and able to pass through you with less resistance and unnecessary suffering;

  • Enhance your ability to look inward, rather than outward, to improve your outlook on life; and,

  • Recalibrate your Inner Compass, so you can determine the best direction to take your life, moving forward.

Just imagine:

A life where you don’t have to be tied to what others think about or expect from you.

A life where you feel safe to be authentically, unapologetically YOU.

It is possible. It takes time, but I know this Method works because it’s how I’ve freed myself from many of the limiting beliefs and fears I’ve had for years.

And this renewed sense of freedom and purpose has helped me to enjoy richer relationships with my families, friends, and colleagues, because I know that I am here for me. And I always will be.

 

Join Me on This Journey

“Do you see me?”

I’m just a few steps ahead you on the path.

I’m reaching out.

You just have to take my hand.

“Come with me,” I whisper. “I’ve suffered. Let me share what I’ve learned, so you don’t have to.”

You can see the light I’m shining. I’m ready to light our way.

Something flickers, deep inside of you.

It’s the child in you, waiting. Waiting to be healed.

Join me, friend.

The child in me honors and respects the child in each of you,

Marisa 

“My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

And, if you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter @ my Contact Page.

Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Because the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do. ”

— Marisa Victus

Attorney, Artist, and Author of THE OBSIDIAN CHRONICLES. Writer who believes in the power of words. Life-long learner who’s passionate about the science and art of self-improvement. 

Join me, as we explore the science and skills behind VICTUS, the path and practice that can silence our inner critic and free us to be our truest, authentic self. 

Want to Live a Happier Life, Filled with Synergy, Flow, and Freedom in Everything You Do? 

Then Sign-Up for The VICTUS Method Newsletter @ my Contact Page.