How Meditation & Migraines Taught Me To Build a Secure Attachment To MYSELF

The VICTUS Method MAXIMIZES the Healing Power of Words

In one of my first stories on Medium, I made the bold statement that we can vanquish our Limiting Beliefs with words:

As an Author and Attorney, I believe and trust wholeheartedly in the power of words. Words have the power to shape the mind, to birth revolutionary ideas, and to change the world.

On the micro, they can express love, belonging, and camaraderie; or, they can forcefully shun, ostracize, and reject.

On the macro, they shape the very constructs of society, defining precisely who deserves to have rights and protection, and those who do not.

In other words (pun intended), the way in which we wield our words can transform them into our armor, shield, or blade.

That’s why WORDS are our greatest weapon; they’re the ammo that can stop Limiting Beliefs before they gain momentum, before they become Wraiths.

Words can blow the smoke out of our eyes, to clear our vision and see each and every Wraith for what it truly is: JUST A THOUGHT!

Yes, WORDS are that powerful!

And it’s equally important to remind ourselves that…

WORDS are the most precise Tool we have to SHAPE OUR MINDS, to adopt new EMPOWERING Beliefs!

Whether heard, spoken, or written, WORDS are the basis for many of the neural pathways that we repeatedly fire and wire together in our brains.

The more we think a particular pattern of words (a thought), the more we fire and wire together that neural circuit; and, the more easily our brains will fire that pattern again and again as a new Habit Loop.

The effect compounds for every thought and, when we repeat our Habit Loops enough times, we go from THINKING, to DOING, to BEING a new person.

This is why the VICTUS Method focuses on the THINK-DO-BE practice, to deliberately choose our words wisely, so we can create thoughts, Habit Loops, and behaviors that are as empowering as possible.

To do this in a sustainable way, we’ve got to cheer ourselves on!

We must encourage ourselves to take action, no matter how small. 

We just need to focus on taking the “next right step.” 

That’s how we can go from someone who merely thinks, to someone who’s willing to do, to someone who’s done it so often, we can literally BE that person  — precisely the person we have chosen to be!

But, what do you do when you’re suffering and you’re caught in a loop of painful thoughts that, it seems, you cannot escape?

In the THINK-DO-BE Framework where Thoughts are the foundation, Mindfulness Is the Way.

In many ways, my life has been hard, but I wouldn’t have been able to overcome my big T Trauma and little t traumas without the benefit of Mindfulness.

And when it comes to that, I’m very lucky. I was raised from a young age to meditate.

I started by learning how to meditate with my eyes closed. Then, I began to meditate with my eyes open, following a pattern of hand movements that trained me to maintain a heightened sense of mind-body connection, in addition to breath awareness. And, over the years, I have practiced other types of meditation, like walking meditation, as well.

But, what really impacted me the most was when I began to practice meditation no matter what I was doing.

Yes, that’s right. You do not have to restrict meditation to sitting quietly while seated in a lotus position, or in any other practice where you purposely set aside time “just to meditate.”

You can meditate while you’re doing anything!

It’s funny, now that I think about it. I don’t actually recall the precise time I started doing this. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that I cannot remember the first time anymore. It’s sort of become second-nature to me, I guess.

Whether I’m working, exercising, creating art, writing, or just doing chores around the house, I just find myself very focused on being aware of what I am doing.

More than that, I am very focused on what I am thinking.

I notice when my thoughts drift to other things, like:

• my to-do list, which is always increasing;

• my stress, which increases as my to-do list piles up;

• what I’ve got planned for work;

• what I’ve got planned for fun and family; and,

• what I’ve decided to do, for my favorite creative activities.

There’s just so much to keep track of.

Whenever those thoughts pop into my head, which they inevitably do — mindfulness doesn’t stop you from thinking or being human, after all! —  I remind myself to “just focus on this,” and hone into whatever I’m doing at the moment.

Of course, this doesn’t always work. That’s just how thoughts behave!

So, I watch them like clouds passing by.

I reassure myself, “There’s plenty of time to get that other thing done,” and I gently return my focus back to the task at hand.

Part of this is just so I can do a better job at whatever I’m trying to do.
• Because the task demands my full attention.
• Because focusing on “just doing this” is way more relaxing.
• Because it’s harder for your mind and body to focus when your Nervous System is stuck in a Sympathetic “fight-or-flight” mode.

I’m able to do it because I’ve trained myself to re-focus on my breath during meditation. 
• Refocusing myself to stay on-task is exactly the same skill.

But, I’m just like anyone else. Stress can get the best of me and, if I forget to be mindful, or if I allow my stress or a Limiting Belief to take hold, I pay for it.

The Body Keeps The Score, and My Body Sometimes Derails Me

I can still remember the first time I got a migraine. I was in high school, taking a bunch of AP Exams and, after my last one for the day, I got a strange tingly feeling down my left side.

I felt a tightness in my left trapezius muscle. My left arm went completely numb, and the numbness traveled all the way up to my mouth. I won’t go into all the specifics now but, as a 16-year-old kid, it was beyond frightening.

Luckily, my Dad’s a doctor, as are the vast majority of people in my extended family, so I didn’t have to go far to get answers.

After seeing multiple specialists over the years, I’ve learned that I don’t get your run-of-the-mill migraines. They’re far, far from your standard headache and, among the spectrum of migraine types, mine are especially bad. So bad they have their own distinct diagnosis.

So how do I deal?

Most of the time, doctors recommended that I take preventative medication. While I’m willing to take a Motrin or two, I chose not to take anything as a long-term preventative because they can harm, instead of help you, and stopping the medication can also prompt migraines, as well.

Instead, over the years, I’ve taken a holistic approach, to develop my own health & wellness routine to lower my stress and do many types of self-care to maximize my fitness and food choices to prevent migraines or lessen their severity when they occur.

It’s taken years and a lot of experimentation, but I’m happy to report that I rarely get migraines anymore and, if I ever do, I am able to stop them almost entirely as soon as I sense them starting.

So what’s my secret?

As hard to believe as it may sound…

The Mindful Awareness that I’ve gained from Meditation is the Most Important Treatment for Me

The reason why I am able to prevent migraines completely, or stop them from progressing into something that would normally derail my day or even week, is simple: Meditation.

It’s the mindful awareness of my body and my emotions that’s allowed me to pay close enough attention to realize when my stress is getting too high, my breathing’s too shallow, or I feel a twinge in my trap muscles.

And if the pain’s started to throb on the left side of my head, it’s the meditation’s deep breathing that allows me to lessen the pain, slowly but steadily.

Most important of all — meditation allows me to handle my emotions during a migraine.

For some migraine sufferers like me, the pain isn’t even the worst part. The turbulent emotions are:

• The anxiety when the pain seems to never end.

• The fear that I’ll fall behind and take too long to recover.

• The ruminating thoughts that kick in full-force and refuse to shut up.

At its worst, it’s like having a waking nightmare that you can’t escape for hours, until the migraine’s completely run its course.

In fact, in the first few years after getting them, the emotional turmoil and aftermath of migraines became one of my most threatening Limiting Beliefs because — unlike other Limiting Beliefs that lack evidence to support them — there was ample proof that I couldn’t ignore: Migraines were dreadfully painful, disorienting, and draining, both physically and emotionally; and, I felt even worse because I thought I had no control over them.

Not anymore!

Mindful Self-Awareness Helped Me to Build A Secure-Attachment to Me, and That Saves Me Every Time

In this post, I described the four Attachment Styles we can develop with other people in our lives, and I explained why and how it’s so important to build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF.

My migraines taught me that, too.

Because no one else — no matter how much they love you — can help you when a migraine comes.

And, no medicine is guaranteed to work. Not immediately and maybe not at all.

The only person you can truly rely on when you have a migraine is yourself.

In my case, I have to coax myself out of the anxious, ruminating thoughts, and then help myself cope with the horrendous, debilitating pain until it passes.

Most surprising of all, I found a way to prevent the migraines from coming or vastly lessen their severity:

I use Better Words to THINK Better Thoughts.

The Healing Power of Words

We’re coming full circle now, back to where I started this post: to the power of WORDS.

A few simple words have literally changed MY LIFE: my brain, my body, and my heart.

By just noticing and practicing mindful awareness of my body, my stress levels, and my emotions, I can implement greater self-care using the protocol that I’ve found works best for me, as soon as I question if a migraine might be coming.

It’s a practice I return to, again and again.

Just last week, I woke up and could already tell my head hadn’t been supported by my pillow, because my neck felt stiff and there was that nasty knot in my left trap again. Then the pulsing punch as my head began to throb.

Back in the day, feeling these sensations in my body would’ve immediately made me anxious. And the thoughts would’ve begun to swirl: I have so much work to do! I have so many deadlines to meet! How can this be happening on today of all days?

But, that’s NOT what happened. Because I knew precisely what to do.

For work, I had already written most of what I’d needed to. I work well in advance for just this potential predicament. Getting things off my desk or as polished as possible, as quickly as possible, has always helped me to lower my overall stress.   

For my emotions, I knew what to tell myself:

• “I know what to do.”

• “I can handle this.”

• “I’ve made migraines stop many times.”

• “I will follow my routine.”

• “I will be extra patient with myself.”

And I gave myself some much-needed self-care:

• I took a hot shower, which always helps to ease the pain in my head.

• I gave myself more time away from screens, so my eyes could rest.

• I practiced closed-eye meditation to activate my Parasympathetic System, to lessen the risk of any fight-or-flight anxiety, and activate my “rest-and-digest” relaxation mode.

• I practiced deep, diaphragmatic breathing throughout the day.

• And, whenever I felt like I wasn’t doing enough or being as productive as I had originally planned to be, I told myself,

• “You don’t need to do more work; you need to do more rest.”

• “You are enough as you are.”

• “You are worthy.”

• “You deserve to take time for yourself.”

• “You can gain time by giving time — to yourself.”

• “Self-care is self-love.”

To some people, these simple words and practices may not sound like much but, to me, they make a world of difference.

Instead of derailing my entire day, I managed to avoid any of the numbness or pain. And, after taking time for myself, I ended up making a lot more progress in my work. I also solved a tech issue I’d been facing for weeks. And, I planned a healthy dinner and enjoyed a wonderful, relaxing evening with my family.

That beats resting for hours in a dark room with a big mask on, vigorously massaging my head, crying and wishing that the damn pain would just stop.

It’s literally the deliverance of a full day of LIFE I got to live, with my mind intact, my soul nurtured, and my body whole.

That is truly a blessing!

No day is promised to any of us, and I don’t take that for granted one bit.

Now, doesn’t that make you wonder…